Here I sit in Virginia, feeling safe again now that I'm away from the negative energy that seems to swoop down on me when I spend time in Indiana. It's a mixture of things: the old, the sick and the raw. The old includes me and who I was 3 years ago before I left there. It's also the old feelings of guilt, betrayal and just general icky-ness. That brings me to the sick. The patterns and cycles broken, and those still practiced by others. I struggle with the ugly feelings that well up when I'm in that environment. I have to take a look at myself and my life as it is in this moment...to remind myself that everything has changed for the better. I'm not the same person I was then; I don't even look like the same person.
The raw is what I feel when I walk into the last room my brother slept in before he went into the hospital, when I stand in the last shower he bathed in, when I drive past the hospital he died in...when I think of the doctors who couldn't save him or just didn't try hard enough.
I struggle to pull myself up out of the free-fall when I'm there. I'm working on shaking that all off of me. I'll always miss Tyler and those feelings will always be raw, but the rest can go step in fish poop. I won't carry it around anymore.
2 comments:
i love this picture. i see a heart in the sky with swirls around it like it is being energized. brilliant!
Awareness is good, it brings us to wisdom and light. All the best to you my friend.
I went through the same thing with a family member when she died unexpectedly. The first six months, I was numb. I used to look at everything, too, shoes where she left them the last time she wore them, dishes in the sink. It's hard because they are still so close by when you look at those things. It hasn't been that long.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, but in time, things WILL get better. The painful memories will be replaced by happy ones. Allow yourself to grieve and lean on your other half when you need to.
btw - Love your photos! Do you use Photoshop? If not, they have 30-day free trials on the adobe.com web site to give it a try. It has some cool filters.
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