I've been thinking about this post for the last few days, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to share these thoughts with the world. I decided writing is therapeutic and, if it doesn't help me, it might help someone else.
The darkness in me is something that creeps up, usually when I'm already emotionally compromised in some way. I think most of us would say that their demons come out when they are feeling vulnerable or wounded, or just generally down. Sometimes when this feeling happens, it's caused by hormones or my own deep-rooted self-esteem issues, or...well, I'll just say it's nothing external. When things are so good, something has to go wrong, right? At least that's sometimes the thought process. My mind starts to explore scenarios that would cause my life to take a turn for the worse...or be turned upside down. If you believe that your thoughts and the energy you put out to the universe can make things happen, then essentially you're potentially drawing these negative things to you...even creating them. I'm sure this 'gloom and doom' thought process is something I've learned and only recently (in the last couple of years) have I started trying to unlearn it. First you have to recognize that the behavior is happening and that's not always easy, especially if your emotional state includes irrational, paranoid thoughts. Sometimes when I get in those moods, I just want to wallow. I don't consciously want to wallow in misery, but I fight everything that's trying to pull me out of it. It's very strange. So, once I have the presence of mind to identify the behavior, I have to start talking yourself down from it. Again...not an easy task. The longer one practices a behavioral pattern, the harder it is to break. That makes sense to me anyway...
I've been working on re-framing my negative thoughts or reactions to people, things and situations. I know that some of my impulsive reactions come from years of practice and possibly witnessing the behavior in people who have been particularly influential in my life. Part of that process of re-framing starts with self-affirmation. I am worthy. I deserve respect. I deserve love. What I put out to the world is what I'll get back. My most irrational moments often stem from feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. If I recognize those feelings, I might be able to prevent the downward spiral of negativity. I find it fascinating to watch when I know it's happening. Sometimes I can pull myself out right away and other times it seems I'm destined to watch myself fall and go splat!
*sigh*
I guess that's really all I have to say about that right now. Thanks for reading. Peace out.
3 comments:
You are beautiful, you are whole, you are light and dark together.
: )
The way you make music in the world makes others want to sing along. This is one way of recognizing what you put out in the world is what you get back I guess.... I love your writing.
Thanks for sharing, D...I feel honored to be able to witness your heart's fire...the light and dark of it. I know we all recognize ourselves in what you are saying...oh, the sometimes tortuous ego!
Seeing you, hearing you, feeling you...do keep writing, friend.
xo
It's easy reading what we should do to cure our personal ills; the tough part is in changing the messages we send ourselves deep down inside.
I used to struggle with the same insecurities. It takes some time to break old habits. Keep working on those self affirmations and soon your internal messages will change. That's one thing that finally seemed to work for me.
I also reminded myself that my internal messages were from my child self and that I needed to start thinking as a "mature" adult would (in the sense of mature thinking). Of course I don't want to think like a child, so every time my insecure feelings came up I would start asking my self "what is real here?" If I am an adult, I told myself, I need to accept the truth and what is real. It's a process. That's for sure.
You'll get there. :-) Good luck, Dionne.
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