Musings of a Word Junkie

Reminder to self

2011-01-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

I am the master of my destiny
I am strong
I am courageous
I have the power to choose
Through my choices
I will create the life that I want
Imagination is my only limit
If I can imagine it
Visualize it
See it
It will be my reality
There is no doubt
No fear
No darkness
No anger
There is love
Joy
Peace
Harmony...

Certainty

Horoscopes: fluff or wisdom?

2010-12-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

I'm sure we've all read our horoscope at one point or another. Some of us think they are meaningless fluff, others live by them and most of us are somewhere in between. Mine today was eerily poignant...

Exploring Emotional Whims
Scorpio Daily Horoscope

You may feel impulsive and impatient today, and this could lead you to make careless decisions. You may want to spend some time exploring the source of these feelings and determining if you have emotional needs that are not being met. You can then fulfill these needs in healthy ways instead of impulsively reaching for a superficial substitute. You can also choose to stop yourself whenever you feel like acting impulsively today. Just by stopping for a few moments, going inward, and gathering your thoughts, you can gain a greater understanding of the emotions that are driving your actions. You will then be able to make better decisions that serve your higher needs rather than act hastily.

Developing an awareness and understanding of our impulsive whims encourages a balanced emotional state and gives us greater control over our actions. While it may be human nature to seek a quick fix for our uncomfortable emotions, these solutions are transient at best. If we instead choose to explore the root cause of our emotions, we will be able to resolve them rather than quiet them temporarily. This process helps us to gain a greater understanding of our needs and empowers us with more control over our emotional responses. We then benefit from a lasting sense of inner balance and serenity. Taking the time to explore your emotional whims today will empower you with the ability to meet your needs in healthy ways.

I just had to laugh...even though it's not really funny. Peace on ya, peeps.

Feeling the peace

2010-11-13T08:38:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting in the woods at the Tibetan Cultural Center in Bloomington. My friend, Kara, brought me out here with her this morning. She's doing an artists' workshop in the temple. I've been walking the trail that goes around the grounds, but I came upon a tree stump that really seemed like it wanted company, so I sat. I've been sitting here for probably an hour just listening and breathing, and watching the falling leaves rain down around me. The sun is fading in and out as it traverses the passing clouds. A few minutes ago a strong wind came through and created a blizzard of leaves that surrounded me...it was spectacular. I felt honored to be sitting here receiving that gift from the universe, as it cleared my mind and brought me into the present moment. I smiled up at the sky in silent appreciation.

As soon as we drove through the gate this morning, I could feel the energy shift. The peaceful energy of this place is palpable. Yesterday I couldn't sit still and I desperately wanted to climb out of my skin. Today I sit here in comfort. I could sit here for hours and feel as if I'm being enveloped in a warm, caring embrace. I find it very interesting and I felt moved to try to capture the feeling in words.

I think it's time to walk again. I want to see what others gifts are in store for me along this peaceful trail.

Two years

2010-11-07T18:21:00.001-08:00

The last couple of days have been tough...who am I kidding?...the last couple of months have been tough. At any rate, the emotional rollercoaster is not a fun ride. I am facing my demons and the 'tainted' parts of my person head on. In my darkest moments I've steamrolled over people I care about and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I have to remind myself that I am a giving, loving, kind soul with a lot to offer and I need to let those parts of me shine as I chip away at the negative formations, the habit energy and my ego. It's exhausting and invigorating at the same time, hence to emotional rollercoaster ride.

The Martine Locke live recording took place last night and it was amazing!! I feel extremely blessed and honored to have been a part of it. Not to mention the fact that I had a fantastic time playing. The waiting for the show to start is always a little nerve-racking, but once I sat down and started playing, it was all good and incredibly fun!!! The people who helped make it happen and the people who showed up to be a part of it are all amazing souls and I send my gratefulness to each and every one of them.

Yesterday was also the two-year anniversary of my brother's death and my emotions were even more challenging as the waves of grief crashed into me again and again. Initially I had trouble with that being the date of the recording, but I turned it around in my head (and my heart) and I sent my performance to him as a tribute to the amazing man he was...still is in my mind. I love you, Tyler. I miss you every minute. I am grateful for my life and my lessons...and my growth.

Lyrical musings

2010-10-13T21:05:00.001-07:00

I found the lyrics to a song I was writing years ago. I don't know if I ever gave it a title. If I went with the chorus, the title would probably be "Shame On You," but I think I wanted to call it "Survival of the Fittest." (This is way too much background for the short snippet I'm posting...)

Sunlight fades to darkness
Night into rebirth
The stillness is moving
An endless hope

I like this grouping of words for some reason. It spoke to me when I read it. The rest of the lyrics seem cliche now. The song is (was...?) about the relationship between humans and the Earth. It starts out describing a balance of give and take, a seemingly symbiotic relationship, and then goes on to talk about how humans got greedy and complacent about our natural resources, etc. In the end the Earth wins. The humans manage to use up everything the Earth had to offer and their species becomes extinct. In the absence if humans, the Earth heals itself and life slowly begins to evolve...again. The remaining question is will the cycle repeat?

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. I think it's a good concept for a song. Maybe I need to revamp it and bring it life again. I once played it for a mentor and she said she though the lyrics didn't fit the tune. The music needed to be faster and darker to fit the feeling of the lyrics.

I've occasionally pondered it since then and...well, maybe it's time.

Whole-hearted

2010-09-09T09:16:00.001-07:00

How could I find darkness
In all the brilliant light
How could I have hurt
When all I know is deepest love
There is nothing I won't do
To bring it back
So you feel safe
To make it right
So all is love
The me your love fell upon
Is still in here
Look for me
Wait for me
I'm coming back to you
And the new me
The whole of me
Loves you beyond
My last breath

Words

2010-08-24T10:31:00.001-07:00

Who we are in the world is mostly defined by words. Some that are spoken by us and some that are spoken by others. You've heard the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' but sometimes I think it's really the other way around. Words can hold promise. Words can leave scars. Words can heal. Words can devastate. Words weave the fabric of our being. Choose them wisely and use them with care. The following is from a 'Daily OM' I received and I just wanted to share it. It intertwines two subjects both near and dear: Music and Words.

August 23, 2010
The Music of Language
Words are Energy

If we are unconscious of the power of words, we run the risk of creating a noisy disturbance.

When we speak or write, we use the vehicles of words to carry meaning, as well as energy, from ourselves to another person or group of people. We may be speaking to our baby, our boss, or to an audience of 500 people. We may be writing a love letter, a work-related memo, or an entry in our own diary. Whatever the case, each word we speak or write has a life of its own, a vibratory signature that creates waves in the same way that a note of music creates waves. And like musical notes, our words live in communities of other words and change in relation to the words that surround them. When we are conscious of the energy behind our words, we become capable of making beautiful music in the world. If we are unconscious of the power of words, we run the risk of creating a noisy disturbance.

Some of us know this instinctively, while others come to this understanding slowly. Most of us, though, speak without thinking at least some of the time, blurting out our feelings and thoughts without much regard for the words we choose to express them. When we remind ourselves that our words have an impact on the world at the level of energy, we may find within ourselves the desire to be more aware of our use of language.

A fun way to increase our sensitivity to the power of words is to simply make a list of our favorite words and notice the energy they contain. We can write them down and post them where we can see them, or we can speak them aloud, feeling them reverberate in our bodies and in the air around us. This is like learning to consciously play an instrument that we have been playing unconsciously for most of our lives, and the effect can be startling and delightful. As we grow more comfortable and confident playing the instrument of language, we will begin to compose beautiful messages, creating positive energy every time we write or speak.

Words to live by...

Peace on ya.

It's comfortable; it's amiable; it's Ritual

2010-08-01T11:49:00.001-07:00

We had a fantastic gig here in Des Moines last night. Some might say 'it's just a little cafe' but the Ritual Cafe is so much more than that. Linda, the owner, is an amazing woman who has created a great space for people to gather, drink coffee, eat good vegetarian food and listen to some great live music. Last year was my first time playing here and it was amazing then, but it was even better last night. Having driven 7 and a bit hours to get here, we were road-weary and a little nervous about the fact that we hadn't played a show in over a month. We had a great crowd show up to support us and we gave them a great show (if I do say so myself...and I just did)! It gave me a renewed sense of excitement around performing and touring. Many folks in our audience said they are coming back to see us in September when we play the Ritual again (September 19th, 7pm candlelight show) and I'm really looking forward to it. It was great to see Linda again and chat for a spell before she headed out for Michfest. We got to meet her partner, Kimberly and Kimberly's two kids, Ivan and Grace. Ivan, who is 4, is very talkative kid. He kept grabbing my hand and pulling me down to his level, so he could tell me something about one thing or another. It was very cute. Everyone knows I'm a little uncomfortable around kids, but Ivan and I had an immediate mutual understanding. There's probably an old soul in him and it was tugging at my hand to teach me some lesson...but I digress.

If you're ever in Des Moines, stop by the Ritual Cafe (at 13th and Locust) and sit a spell. Be sure to say hi to Linda if she's there. It's a great place with amazing energy. Being there last night was just what I needed. I was in the right place at the right time with the right people. I love when that happens...

Peace on ya.

I hope and now I wonder

2010-07-09T07:55:00.001-07:00

We had a couple of good souls over for dinner last night. Good food, good wine and good conversation is a good combination. The souls with whom we dined are people we don't know really well, but also are people we feel like we've known for years. It's good to feel comfortable with someone right away. It's not forced; it's just easy.

In the course of our conversation, we learned that one of the people (who shall remain nameless) has a sense about...energy...spirits who have passed into another dimension. We started talking about the woman who first owned our house, and how we've heard stories from neighbors and the previous owner about her spirit being present in the house. It's a good, warm energy...not scary or threatening. So, our friend goes on to say, "there's a young man here too; who's that?" We looked at each other and shrugged. That was the first we'd heard about another spirit being present...

Later in the conversation, the topic turned to family dynamics and I mentioned my younger brother and how he died about a year and a half ago. Our friend immediately asked if he could be the spirit of the young man in our house. All I could say was 'I don't know.' I've never really been aware of that kind of energy, although I've wanted to be many times, especially after Tyler passed away.

I hope it's him. I know he's always with me in my heart, but it makes sense that the young man's spirit in our house would be him. We were very close with an immeasurable bond. A bond even death can't break. So, it stands to reason...and I hope...I wonder.

Peace on ya.

The darkness in me...

2010-07-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this post for the last few days, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to share these thoughts with the world. I decided writing is therapeutic and, if it doesn't help me, it might help someone else.

The darkness in me is something that creeps up, usually when I'm already emotionally compromised in some way. I think most of us would say that their demons come out when they are feeling vulnerable or wounded, or just generally down. Sometimes when this feeling happens, it's caused by hormones or my own deep-rooted self-esteem issues, or...well, I'll just say it's nothing external. When things are so good, something has to go wrong, right? At least that's sometimes the thought process. My mind starts to explore scenarios that would cause my life to take a turn for the worse...or be turned upside down. If you believe that your thoughts and the energy you put out to the universe can make things happen, then essentially you're potentially drawing these negative things to you...even creating them. I'm sure this 'gloom and doom' thought process is something I've learned and only recently (in the last couple of years) have I started trying to unlearn it. First you have to recognize that the behavior is happening and that's not always easy, especially if your emotional state includes irrational, paranoid thoughts. Sometimes when I get in those moods, I just want to wallow. I don't consciously want to wallow in misery, but I fight everything that's trying to pull me out of it. It's very strange. So, once I have the presence of mind to identify the behavior, I have to start talking yourself down from it. Again...not an easy task. The longer one practices a behavioral pattern, the harder it is to break. That makes sense to me anyway...

I've been working on re-framing my negative thoughts or reactions to people, things and situations. I know that some of my impulsive reactions come from years of practice and possibly witnessing the behavior in people who have been particularly influential in my life. Part of that process of re-framing starts with self-affirmation. I am worthy. I deserve respect. I deserve love. What I put out to the world is what I'll get back. My most irrational moments often stem from feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. If I recognize those feelings, I might be able to prevent the downward spiral of negativity. I find it fascinating to watch when I know it's happening. Sometimes I can pull myself out right away and other times it seems I'm destined to watch myself fall and go splat!

*sigh*

I guess that's really all I have to say about that right now. Thanks for reading. Peace out.

She...

2010-05-31T07:36:00.001-07:00

She sleeps
Next to me
When I look at her
My heart soars
Every time

Random musings

2010-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, here I am again. In one of my recent posts I promised to write on my blog more often and I realized today it has been a few days. Everything seems so busy anymore. There are all the house projects, the driving out-of-state for gigs, the crafting, and the rehearsing. Then of course there's hanging out with new friends, snuggling with my sweetheart, just chillin' at home and my new found hobby of playing PS3. I don't even like being on my computer anymore...lol. A lot of it can be done from my phone, although doing things that involve lots of typing is a pain on that little phone.

Martine and I spent this past weekend in Joliet, Illinois, playing shows alongside Trina Hamlin. We had fun and made some money. It's always nice when those two things go together. Lee took great care of us, as she always does, and we got to play our first ever Earth Day Festival! The repurposed flatware garden markers were a big hit and it was a beautiful day. We were pleasantly exhausted when we drove home on Sunday night, and we decided to take Monday off. What does a day off mean, really? We're still trying to figure that out. We did go for a nice long bike ride...first one since arriving back in Indy. I can't believe it took us that long to get out on the trail. Again...busy, busy, busy....

This photo is of a little weed, or something, that Martine pulled out of the ground in our backyard. She said it looks like it has little love hearts growing on it...and she's right. I took it inside and stuck it in the top of the beautiful Sunflower bottle that sits in the kitchen window. It turned out to be a cool photo and, better yet, it reminds me of how lucky I am in love. :-)

We worked on some cuffs today to take with us to the Virginia Women's Music Festival this coming weekend. We had a great time there last year and I'm predicting this year will be even better!

We're into the quarterfinals of the Lilith Fair - Indianapolis contest. The voting process is a pain, but we appreciate your time and effort more than we can say.

I think my random musings have come to an end for today. It's time to make dinner and my sweetheart has her head in a air vent in the kitchen. She says it smells and so now she's decided to clean it out. I'm also hearing rumbles of "replacing just this one..."

Peace out, peeps.

It's a fine time...

2010-05-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

...for a glass of wine. I was coming back downstairs last night after folding some laundry, and my sweetheart handed me a glass of wine and said, "come outside..." How could I resist her beautiful smile? (Well, I can't. That's why I married her.) I actually wanted to write this blog post yesterday, but other things took priority...tennis and playstation 3. Yes, I said playstation 3!! I know, I know...who knew? We've been kicking butt in cooperative missions on a game called Resistance 2. I'm addicted. OK, SAID IT. I'll say it again...who knew? Aside from a quick game of tennis, we just lazed around yesterday and played Resistance 2. I was seeing gun fire, targets and aliens in my sleep.

So, back to my sweetheart handing me a glass of wine and asking me to come out into the backyard. She had a fire going in our fire pit; the first one ever! It was so nice sitting out there in OUR backyard and talking over wine. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratefulness for my life, my love and...my home. I was realizing for the first time how good it feels to have our house and to be spending time here making it beautiful. We had our first house guest over the weekend. Kathleen came down for my photo show opening (thanks again, KC) and she was the first person to stay in our guest room. (Sorry, Dad...) She also brought us this fabulous bottle of wine. It was the perfect end to a busy, and somewhat draining, weekend. I realized last night how happy I was to be folding laundry I'd washed in OUR washing machine, in OUR basement, and putting it away in OUR bedroom. I came downstairs and saw her smile as she handed me the wine and I felt more at home than I ever have. I'm proud of our house and the life we've built, and continue to build, together. I'm proud of what I've accomplished as an artist and an individual and I'm soooooooo immensely proud of my wife and who she is. I know I've said it a million times, but...I'm a lucky woman.

Just wanted to share the joy. Too much time between posts. Peace on ya.

Wedded bliss

2010-04-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Many apologies on my behalf for not posting anything in FOREVER and many thanks out to Tom Nelson for taking this beautiful photo. Martine and I got married on March 27th in Thousand Oaks, California, and before you ask "is that legal," I'll answer "it doesn't really matter." It should be legal and when it is, we will make ours legal. It's just a matter of time. While we wait for the federal government to catch up (to wake up!), we will live our lives in love and creativity, as a married couple. There's no question in my mind or my heart that we are married. We are getting all our legal ducks in a row, so we are covered in case the unthinkable happens to either of us...don't even want to think about it...hence the "unthinkable" part. In the past month we have had our wedding, packed our stuff into a relocation cube and a van, driven 32 hours from California to Indiana, moved into our house, painted things, furnished rooms, installed a sink faucet, weeded our yard, hung art on our walls, etc. The list goes on. Our house is starting to feel like a home and we like that. After a year on the road, living out of suitcases, it's nice to be home...with my wife.

Peace out...

...back soon.

Counting the days

2010-03-18T08:14:00.001-07:00

This photo was taken from my phone. We had driven our Aussie friends, Kerrie and Rachel, up to the Cliff House in San Francisco to see the view. As you can see, it's pretty spectacular. We had a great time showing them around the city and we feel blessed that they came all the way from Adelaide to be here for our wedding.

We've been vaguely counting down the months and weeks since we agreed on the date, but last Saturday we began counting in days and hours. We finally both have our outfits together and we're ironing out the last little details of the big day. It's now just a little over one week away and I'm very excited. I can't wait to place that ring on her finger, recite my vows as I look into her eyes, and lay my lips on hers to seal our commitment to one another. I also can't wait to get into our house and make it our home.

I'm counting the days...the hours. I'm also cherishing each individual moment as it happens, taking it all in.

Peace on ya.

A final view

2010-02-23T14:55:00.001-08:00

We had dinner last night in an apartment overlooking Sydney Harbour. Martine's friend Lou (Louise) is visiting Sydney from San Francisco and she's staying with a friend who has this amazing view. I'm usually not impressed by city skyline views, as I'm more inclined toward a natural view...an ocean or a mountain, but this view of Sydney was impressive. I was pining for my tripod as the light started to fade. It's too hard to hold the camera still enough to capture a non-blurry image. This one is pretty close. Wow....I'm still marveling in the beauty of it, in spite of it being mostly steel, brick and mortar. If only it hadn't been overcast. Imagine the sunset photos to be had from here. Sydney really is a beautiful city, albeit too busy and expensive for me.

We leave Australia today. I am happy to be going home. We get married in a month, and then we pack up our California belongings and head across the country to move into our new house. We're both very excited about all of that. (As soon as I figure out what I'm WEARING in the wedding, I'll be even more excited.) However, there is still a part of me that is sad to be leaving this amazing country. It's way too expensive to live here right now, but I will miss a lot of things about being here. I'll miss all of the wonderful people I have met, especially Martine's family. I know we will be back in a year, but I also know how hard it is for her to say goodbye for that long. I'm sad that none of them will be at our wedding. I'll miss hearing expressions like "good on ya" and "heaps good" and "wally-head" and "cheers" and I could go on...lol. I'll miss the Indian and Southern Oceans of Western Australia. I'm spoiled forever in terms of beaches and the saltwater tides that ebb and flow on their pristine shores. I have yet to see anything else in the world that even comes close. I'll miss COOPERS Pale Ale.......mmmmmmm, mmmm good. Out of all the Australian beers I've tried, it's my favorite. I'll miss Tim Tams (even though I have two packages in my bag), Mint Slice, meat pies, and hopefully we have enough Vegemite coming back with us to last for the next year. It's too expensive to buy in the states, but if it comes down to that, I'll do what I have to do. :-)

I have a bazillion photos of everything I've seen and I'll be preparing some of them for my photography show at Bjava in May/June. If you're local to Indy, the opening is May 1st. Come out and see some of the views I've captured of this beautiful country. See you soon.

Peace on ya.

Wading through

2010-02-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

I took a thousand more photos over the weekend. Don't know how I'll ever get through them all to determine what should be framed and displayed for my show in May. This is my sweet love checking out the view from Granite Island off the coast of Victor Harbour, South Australia. We spent Valentine's Day down there exploring, cuddling and smiling lots. The weather could have been better, but we still enjoyed the time away. The calm before the storm that is the next month and a half.

Can you tell I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment? I had to take a break from sorting through photos and booking shows...just a moment to collect my thoughts. They are scattered and tattered, and strewn all over the room. I heard Martine mention something about what we're wearing for our wedding and I had to tell myself to breathe. At this rate the wedding guests are going to get an eyeful of birthday suit. Breathe...

We leave Australia in 8 days..........................................................................

Ok, so I just left this blog post to go help Martine with a box of old photo albums and video tapes. Yes, I said video tapes. Two hours later, I'm back. I've seen footage of Martine Locke singing from more than 20 years ago. Yes, I feel special. She was beautiful and amazingly talented, and nothing has changed. Actually everything has changed, but her talent and beauty remain, but both have only improved with age. I'm a lucky woman.

I can't believe it's almost time to go back to the states. I think we're both ready in a lot of ways. It will be nice to get back and get things organized for our wedding, and it will be nice to move into our house. For now it's back to treading water and wading through all the tasks at hand. I just wanted to take a moment to breathe. I just need to keep my head above the surface. One thing at a time...

Peace on ya.

Western Australia

2010-02-10T23:22:00.001-08:00

Our time in Western Australia was incredible. Of all the places we've been since arriving in country, Perth is a place I could live. The people I met were lovely, the gigs were fun, the audiences warm and receptive, and the beaches were the most beautiful I have ever seen. After our final week of shows, Martine, Jemma, Jane and I drove down to Busselton for a couple of days. This photo was taken at sunset on our last night there. We stayed in a Jemma's family's house right off the beach, so I walked over to take some photos. Unfortunately I only had my big lens available, so I wasn't able to get the wide view of the landscape as I was seeing it. There was a minor mishap with my regular lens. We were at Sugarloaf rock and I was trying to get to the best vantage point for my photos when I fell on my lens. Flip-flops are not conducive to hiking/walking on loose red dust earth. The UV filter broke and was jammed on to the end of the lens so tight that I could not remove it. (Thanks to the Freo camera shop that removed it for me and sold me a new filter, and thanks to Jem and Jane for taking me there.)

We swam and lunched at Bunker Bay, which is the single most beautiful beach I've seen. We swam and then Jem & Jane took us out for an 'engagement lunch' at the Bunker Bay Resort. It was a beautiful lunch with the best company we could ask for. I know they were already known as family to Martine, but now they are like family to me as well. They welcomed me into their home and made me feel at home right away. I told them my heart hurt a little at the thought of leaving. They are good, solid human beings and I am blessed to have them in my world.

The beach across from our beach house in Busselton was quite lovely as well. I got some great photos of the doggies playing in the water. They love it and that's a good thing because they are surrounded by it. Here's one of my favorites...

We've put the thought out to the universe that maybe one day we will have a house in the states and a house in Perth or Fremantle, and we can split our time between them. The cost of housing over here needs to come down first though...or we need to make a lot of money. Either one is possible.

It is nice to be back in Adelaide for a few more days to spend time with family before leaving the country, but I do miss the West. I'm a little sad that we had to leave. I miss the beauty and the pace of Fremantle. Here are some beach pictures to give you an idea of the beauty of Western Australia. This is the beach across from the house where we stayed in Busselton.

This is Bunker Bay...

It's beautiful. Ahhhhhhhhh.....

Now back to emaling venues for bookings, planning the wedding, planning the move and...maybe it's just time for more wine.

So many wineries, so little time...

2010-01-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

My dad and stepmom had come over to Perth the week before and spent a few days in Fremantle. The four of us went down to the Margaret River area of Western Australia last week. It's the land of wineries, olive oil farms and pristine beaches. We tasted wine, ate meat pies, Tim Tams, pasties, cheesymite scrolls, gelato....the list goes on. It was a lovely four days. They left to fly back to Sydney today and then back to Los Angeles tomorrow, but we're very happy they came over here. My stepmom got to hold a baby kangaroo (so did I) and she learned a lot about the places we visited. I thought it was very cute that she was taking notes, so she could tell everyone about her journey. They are very easy to travel with, as they are happy to do what we want and what they want, and fortunately those lists overlap more often than not.

One day we went down to the most Southwestern point of Australia, Cape Leeuwin. It's the spot where the Southern and the Indian Oceans meet. It was a breathtaking place and I felt truly blessed to be there. I already wrote about this on Tyler's blog, but I'm going to write about it here too...because it's my blog and I can. I brought some of Tyler's ashes with me to Australia because I intended to leave them here. I just wasn't sure when or where. As I was standing on the edge of Cape Leeuwin, it suddenly hit me that I was standing in the place. My dad was there too, so that meant I would not be alone in my grief. I knew there was one other person there who fully understands my loss. I spread half of the ashes and I let him spread half of them. We both shed tears. We both felt like part of our insides were being ripped away. I can't fully speak for my dad, but I know we've had similar feelings through our individual grief. I know that because we've talked about it. I'm grateful for those talks. I'm grateful for our ability to talk openly with each other.

Martine and I swam together at Bunker Bay. The water was beautiful and we played together the surf, trying to ride the waves as they came into shore. It was one of those moments when you have no doubts, fears, or cares in the whole world. I love those moments. They are few and far between.

Peace out.

The Grapes of Margaret River

2010-01-26T03:15:00.001-08:00

I haven't written on this blog since we were in Adelaide. The rest of our time there was a flurry of activity and it was followed by packing and planning for our trip to Western Australia. We arrived in Perth about 10 days ago and since then we've spent time with good mates, we've had family arrive from Adelaide and Los Angeles, we've had two incredible shows and we've tasted about 75 different kinds of Australian wine. It has been a wonderful experience, albeit emotional and stressful at times. Most of the stress I put on myself. It's hard stepping up to the plate and performing with a former Velvet Jane, especially when your set precedes a Velvet Janes set. Martine and Rose had one rehearsal the week before the show. Initially it was just supposed to be a meeting between the two of them to shake the rust off of the songs, and refresh memories of lyrics and chords. At the last minute we decided to turn it into a dinner party/bbq, so I got to go and listen to The Velvet Janes rehearse. It was like watching the Australian Indigo Girls (this is a huge compliment coming from me) and it was very intimidating. I found myself wishing I hadn't come to rehearsal, as it only added to the pressure I had already put upon myself for the upcoming triple-bill show. Truthfully, I was blown away by their 15 years of flawless harmonies and I wanted to vomit. The day of the show was almost painful...again, because of the pressure I was putting on myself. By show time I was ready to play and mostly over the intimidation hanging over me. I had come to the point where my options were limited. I could run away or stay and play. The choice was obvious. It was a beautiful night of music and laughter at the Kidogo Arthouse, and I was so proud of my sweetheart and her incredible talents. I found myself taking it all in, and beaming with love and pride. I was happy to find that my only reaction at the end of the night was that of feeling truly inspired. Martine and I had a show two days later at an Irish Pub and I felt free of the constraints I had been putting on myself. I felt like I was finally stepping out of my own way. I hope that trend continues. We had a rockin' good time and some awesome Guinness on tap. ;-) Mardi's good friend, Jemma King, came and played a set before us. It was her first performance in at least 10 years and she was awesome!!! I was proud of her for getting up there and singing her truth. I can tell how much she loves doing it, so it's even better that she's getting out there and sharing it again. Yay, Jem!!!

This blog post is not meant to be all about my stress around performing in Velvet Janes territory, but I had to get it out...put it out there and call it what it is...was, ya know. It's all good.

We spent a little over a week in Fremantle with Jemma and Jane, and can I just say...I love them. They feel like family already.

We're down South in Margaret River now with my dad and step-mom. Margaret River is a beautiful area full of wineries, beaches, forests, wildlife and many other things of interest. There's so much to do, we're having trouble working out how best to spend our time. Today we went to a bunch of wineries, a chocolate factory, a couple of olive oil farms and had lunch at a beautiful winery. Tomorrow we're off to an Eagle sanctuary, a beach, more wineries, more galleries and who knows what else?!? Maybe we can fit some ice cream in there too.

I've taken about a zillion photos, some good, some bad, some average. I'm sure I'll be sharing a good portion of them with some of you. Stay tuned.

Peace out.

Adelaide

2009-12-29T02:37:00.001-08:00

This is me with Ethan. It was taken today amidst the mayhem of Rundle Mall in Adelaide. We were on the hunt for shoes...flip-flops, blunnies, and whatever other kind of shoe may have tickled our fancies. I wore my hair in a ponytail today. It hasn't been long enough to do that since I was about 17. It's now officially long enough for a ponytail and to drive me nuts! We also checked out the Central Market, which is full of fresh produce, coffee, chocolate, meat, cheese, souvenirs and lots of other stuff we didn't really have time to see. We bought a few things and hung some posters for Saturday night's show at the Wheaty. It was hot here today...phew, but beautiful none the less.

Some things I love about Adelaide so far... The feel of the intense Australian sun on my skin. The smell of Eucalyptus on the trees as I'm jogging through the neighborhood. The sound of the dogs scratching at the doggie door in the screen. The sound of Skyla saying "Hi Dionne" as she does every morning. The sound of Ethan saying...something I can't quite make out...as he grins at me after an afternoon nap. The smell of my sweetheart's freshly-washed hair as she lay asleep next to me on the hide-a-bed couch. The sight of rows and rows of grapevines in the McLaren Vale wine country. The sound of Muriel saying "I love ya, darling" as she hugs me goodbye. The noisy, boisterous call of the Magpie as it awakes in its tree. The sound of the coffee machine making my first 'long black' of the morning. The feel of the warm, coastal sand in between my toes. The sight of the blue-green, crystal ocean waters. The taste of a meat pie with sauce. The feel of the late afternoon breeze tousling my hair as I sit on the back patio reading...

That's all for now. Today has been an emotional day for me. I'm not fully sure why, or whether to embrace or reject the feelings. It just is what it is, and some days that's all it is. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. We're off to Maggie Beer's for a family picnic, but not before a gourmet breakfast of french toast. I've been asked a few times if I know how to make french toast. I thought everyone did...lol.

Peace on ya.

Hahndorf

2009-12-18T23:09:00.001-08:00

Today we went up into the Adelaide hills to Hahndorf for lunch and a walk around. Hahndorf was first settled by Prussian Lutherans in 1839. The name was derived from Captain Dirk Hahn who brought the first settlers over from Eastern Prussia on a ship named Zebra. The German influence is still very visible in the architecture of the little town. I loved all the stone and brick on the buildings. It gave off a very quaint feel.

This is Martine's mum and her nephew Ethan. I thought they were too cute walking hand-in-hand. I had lunch with three generations of Lockes today. Last night we went over to Alison's (Martine's sister) for some lasagna and cocktails. Gary and Spencer showed up later (Martine's nephews) and we all sat outside talking and laughing until late into the evening. I feel very lucky to be here and be in love with this amazing woman who loves me so well. Her family has welcomed me with open arms.

As we walked, meandering in and out of shops, I spotted a florist with bouquets of sunflowers on display out front. They looked so beautiful and I knew I had to have them for my sweetheart. I told everyone I'd catch up and I ran across the street to get some. As I came out of the florist I saw them all coming up the street toward me. Martine caught site of me carrying the bunch of sunflowers and she smiled. When I gave them to her she cried. I love to sweep her off her feet and it's my plan to continue to do so for a very long time.

Peace on ya.

Just a day in Adelaide

2009-12-17T20:10:00.000-08:00

We arrived in Adelaide on Wednesday afternoon and had a BBQ in Anthony and Vanessa's back yard. Most of Martine's family was there and it was great to finally meet everyone. They all made me feel at home right away...which is what I expected.

We had a great show at the Grace Emily Hotel in downtown Adelaide last night. We shared the bill with Susie Keynes and lots of folks came out to support us. The sound system was great, the room was great, the audience was great...gotta love shows like that! I got to meet some of Martine's friends that she's known for years, one she's known since she was 14 or 15. It was a fun night!!! I was nervous before we got there, especially now that we're getting into Velvet Janes territory, but by the time we went on stage, I was calm and ready to play. After all, it's not a competition. We're all individuals who bring different talents to the world and that's a very good thing. No one person's talent takes anything away from anyone else. We all bring color in some form. It's all good.

Today we got up and went for a much-needed run around the neighborhood. Everywhere we go people are giving us Tim Tams and other desirable Australian junk food. It's tatsy but not great for the waistline. The rest of the day has been a lazy one, also much needed. I'm sitting here now watching Anthony and Martine play Mario Brothers something or other. I love the photo on this post. Ethan (the little guy sitting in the middle) is looking at me like 'Seriously? These people call themselves adults?!' Lol...very cute. Anthony has a beautiful family and I'm happy to be hanging out with them. Getting to know him makes me miss Tyler a lot. He's good guy and Martine is lucky to have him as a brother.

Tonight we're going over to hang out with Martine's sister, Alison, for a bit. Hopefully her nephew Gary will be there too. I haven't met him yet, but I've heard a lot about him. Spencer (her other older nephew) came by to say hi to us the day we arrived. Good people all around!

I can't wait to get out and explore the city a little. It's not nearly as large as Sydney and I think that's a good thing. We're going to a city caroling gathering on Sunday. It's a picnic in the park with music kinda thing. Should be fun, in spite of the Christmas carols. ;-) More to come. Thanks for reading.

Peace on ya.

Finally here

2009-12-13T23:16:00.001-08:00

After many months of anticipation, I'm finally in Australia. It's a country that has been on the top of my list for many years and I'm finally seeing it up close and personal. It's a lovely country so far and the best is yet to come. I know you all have been waiting with bated breath for my first post from here...all four of you...lol! After a very cramped, very long, flight on United Airlines, we arrived in Sydney, New South Wales on Wednesday, December 9th. Martine's good mate, Alex, picked us up and I was very happy to finally meet her in the flesh. She and I had chatted on Facebook a few times and I knew we would get on like a house on fire. I was right. She and her partner, Nerrilee, are fabulous company. Alex has been a gracious host, inviting us to stay at her house in Leichhardt, even giving up her bedroom for us.

So, back to when we arrived...after a couple of much-needed showers (14 hours on a plane...ick!), Alex drove us around downtown Sydney and to the touristy Bondi Beach. We stopped for my first Aussie beer (not Fosters, which I'm told is Australian for dog's piss) and I chose a Tooheys Old Black Ale. It was tasty! I've tried a couple of others since then. One I'm told is from a brewery in Fremantle, Western Australia. We'll be there in January and I'm looking forward to actually visiting the brewery. So many things to see and do. We did a house concert here in Leichhardt on Saturday night and I got to meet some of the folks I've heard about from Martine...Mardi (I'm hearing that name a lot more over here), and some new folks neither one of us had met. We had a great time playing for them. I love doing unplugged house concerts. Not that I don't enjoy walking on to a big stage with my sticks and sitting behind the full drum kit that's already been setup, and banging the crap out of it!!!!...but, I digress. I also love the intimate, personal feel of an unplugged show in someone's living room.

Wow, my brain is going twenty different directions right now. I'll try to stay on track so my readers (all four of them) can follow this post. Martine and I spent a day exploring downtown Sydney and another day walking through Leichhardt, Annandale, Camperdown, and Newtown. I think that covers it. We walked all day, with only a couple of stops for a meat pie and another Australian beer I hadn't tried yet. Beer belly here I come...it's a good thing I brought my running shoes with me. It's not just the beer; it's the bloody Tim Tams and Mint Slice too! Dammit!!!! If only they weren't so tasty.

I've already taken about 400 photos, including the Sydney Harbour Bridge, Darling Harbour, The Sydney Opera House, Circular Quay and...much more. We walked through the botanical gardens and saw hundreds of flying foxes hanging from the trees. Of course I took many photos. They looked like large bats; it was fascinating! I'm sure the people who live and work in Sydney don't really care so much, but it was interesting to me. The photo on this post is of the Anzac bridge, formerly known as the Glebe Island Bridge. It's a large cable-stayed bridge, spanning Johnstons Bay, between Pyrmont and Rozelle, in proximity to the Sydney CBD (central business district). That's just a little bit of Sydney trivial knowledge for ya.

Now it's back to going through my Sydney photos. I'll write more soon. We leave for Adelaide on Wednesday and it's there where I finally get to meet Martine's family. It will be good know my soon-to-be extended family. I'm sure I will love them! Thanks to all (four) of you for reading this blog. It's time for dinner and Playstation games here in Leichhardt.

Peace on ya, peeps.

Some thoughts

2009-11-16T14:05:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting outside in La Grange, Texas with Christy and Sheryl's 47 dogs...ok, maybe not that many...maybe only 39. It rained cats and dogs last night...ok, maybe only dogs...but it's sunny now, albeit windy. We spent the last week on a cruise ship, touring the Caribbean. The first night and day at sea had us questioning what the hell we were thinking, as we rode out Hurricane Ida. I get motion sickness very easily, so I was ready to go home even before we left New Orleans. Now I'm glad I went. The seas got calmer and I gained a new experience and a new perspective. I've seen poverty in this country and I've seen television reports on poverty in other countries, but seeing it up close and in person was sobering, in spite of the free tequila samples. When we walked through a small fishing village in Costa Maya, we were offered a room, and all we could eat and drink for $25 per day. When
we walked into Roatan, we were swarmed by cab drivers, tour guides and children, all trying to make a living for their families. The woman in the port area told us to walk out of the gate and turn right. She also said there would be people there trying to sell us things, but not to be scared. I had no idea...scared doesn't describe what I felt. There was fear involved, but I also felt shame in my privileged life. I've never had to live in nothing more than a shack and cook my meals on an open fire. I've never had to wonder whether I would have enough to feed my family. The kids were the hardest ones to turn away. If only I had a dollar to give every one of them. I wondered what it would have been like to spend my summer vacations asking people on the street for money. I also saw more stray dogs than I could count. Most of the males had not been neutered and most of the females looked
like they had just had a litter of puppies. Several had open sores or they hopped along, favoring one paw.

There we were walking off of this gigantic cruise ship with our expensive cameras and our Western privilege. I was happy to see that the Sweet (www.discoversweet.com) staff had organized several community projects in all of our ports, in an attempt to make a difference in the communities and in the lives of the people living in them. It may not seem like much on a grand scale, but every ripple in the water makes a difference, and Sweet definitely made its share of ripples...and I'm not talking about the ones made by the Norweigan Spirit.

I send a heartfelt thanks out to Shannon Wentworth and all the Sweet crew for all their hard work and for providing us with an unforgettable experience. That's a big part of what life is all about, isn't it?

Peace on ya.

Sherrill's place

2009-11-02T08:40:00.001-08:00

I am baffled when I try to formulate the logic behind what Sherrill was thinking when she decided on her sign verbiage. What made her think "eat here and get gas" would actually bring in the customers?? It's beyond me...

Back to my nap now. Tipton is such a happening town!

Peace on ya.

Reflecting

2009-10-20T06:38:00.001-07:00

It was one year ago today that Tyler went in for the surgery to remove the tumor from the base of his brain. The dreaded anniversaries have begun...

Still looking

2009-10-19T12:11:00.001-07:00

I know you have all (all 5 of my readers) been waiting with bated breath to find out whether we found a house yesterday...

Unfortunately, we came up empty-handed. We had our hands full of info sheets, but nothing we are really interested in buying. It's really disheartening after spending so much time and energy searching. Does it mean we're not supposed to buy a house here in Indy? Does it mean the right house is here, but it's not quite on the market yet? Does it mean we will find it tomorrow? No idea...

I've heard it's a beautiful day outside, but I'm stuck in the basement with a cold. I have too much work to do to be down here laying on the couch like a slug. It makes me grumpy. Damned cold weather!

Ok, I know you're not reading this blog to witness my bitching and moaning, so I digress. (grumble, grumble...)

Back to house-hunting, wedding planning (the invitations and ring are on order!) and all that jazz. I can't wait to marry the woman of my dreams and find our home, not necessarily in that order.

Peace on ya.

It's a long road

2009-10-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Here we sit, outside of yet another open house. It's 30k more than we want to spend, but we had to move up to find some more to look at, as we've pretty much exhausted the lot of houses at our price point. We have looked at probably 50+ homes now and it's hard not to get discouraged. We've found some beautiful houses in less than desireable neighborhoods and some crappy houses in decent neighborhoods; where's the middle ground???

Armed with my kleenex, my cold medicine and my Halls cough drops, I'm ready to find the house of my dreams! Well...at least a house we can both see making into our first home. It's out here somewhere...

Peace on ya.

Feels good

2009-09-23T10:59:00.001-07:00

I got up this morning and went jogging, and damn, I always feel so much better when I start the day off that way. Then I did my crunches and arm weights. This all took place BEFORE coffee. One of the nice things about living in Carmel (maybe the only nice thing) is feeling safe running by myself. I'm going to miss that when we move. The house we're hoping to get (we should know in a week) is beautiful, with stunning woodwork, a huge master bath, and an upstairs deck overlooking the fenced-in backyard...here comes the big BUT...I wouldn't feel safe going out running alone. I might be able to find a running partner in the neighborhood, but I don't think the lady two doors down, the one with the oxygen tank, would be up for it. I'm not even sure I'd feel safe with another person there, at least not without my Uzi submachine gun in tow. That would be a little too much extra weight to carry,
I reckon. We will still be on the road a lot though and I'm sure I'll find plenty of places to run.

Did I mention how much we REALLY want this house?! We have a backup offer in and, after three counters, we have agreed upon a price. I'm hoping the deal they already have in place falls through. Like I said, we'll know in a week. Cross your fingers for us. We are moving toward this house until the powers that be tell us otherwise.

Here I sit, watching Martine get the final colors on her sunflower tattoo and I'm excited to see it finished. I'm also a little sad because I know I can't (or shouldn't) get anymore tattoos myself. My body reacts adversely to it. I don't really understand why, but I should honor that reaction. I should listen to my body. It's a bugger though...

Oh, and I should tell you about the photo on this post. It has nothing to do with my run or the house; it's just a pretty picture I took while sitting out the back of Oliver Winery last week. It was such a beautiful day and my sweetheart and I were enjoying a bottle of wine. It doesn't get much better than that, peeps.

Peace on ya.

Fall

2009-09-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today I went for a jog around the lake. I was feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable in my own skin, and I decided to go for a walk. It wasn't meant to be a jog, but I just needed to run. I was observing all of the leaves that have changed color and the ones that have already fallen to the ground...it seems early. I think the planet is confused. I started thinking about Fall and how it has always been my favorite season. I felt like I missed it when I was living in California. It seemed like one continuous season out there. Then I started thinking about last Fall and how we lost Tyler. I was remembering how fragile he looked, how his skin changed color as he ultimately fell away from this physical world. The anniversary of his death isn't far off and I'm scared of how I'm going to cope. I can't believe it has been almost a year. I can still see his face and hear his voice. We will most
likely be on our way to New Orleans on that anniversary day...

I want to run now, but it's the middle of the night. The house is silent and I just want to cry. I want to feel safe in my skin again.

Coming together...

2009-09-17T21:00:00.001-07:00

We put in an offer on a house this morning. It's beautiful and every time we walk through the door, we can imagine ourselves living there. We can see Sunday mornings on the upstairs deck, drinking coffee and reading the paper. We can see the dinners we would cook for our friends/mates, congregating in the kitchen with wine and laughter. We can see the basement workshop we would create, in which we can create...we can see it all. The only thing really standing in our way is the other accepted offer someone else put in on the same house. They are scheduled to close on Oct 1. Until then, we consider the house fair game and we are energetically moving toward it. If the other deal goes through, we'll keep looking. Sigh...it's a really great house though, so cross your fingers for us. If it's meant to come to us, it will.

For now I'll keep looking up at the sky through the trees and I'll keep dreaming of home.

New ink

2009-09-04T18:41:00.001-07:00

As I watched Martine get her new tattoo, my itch to get inked again only got stronger. Today I have in to that pull. I had asked Matt to design something tribal for my shoulder. I wanted something all black this time. The first drawing didn't resonate with me and I asked him to change it. I was happy and relieved when I saw the second drawing. I loved it immediately! I was afraid he was going to ask me to reschedule, but he said he still had time to do it. Yay!!! I love the way it looks on my skin. Is it bad that I already want more? :) Some of the pain is actually relaxing in a Zen kind of way. I wanted to fall asleep a couple of times. Then there was the annoying pain, the kind that made me want to punch Matt in the face to make him stop. (Of course I would never do that...at least not to him) He does a great job! If you live near Indianapolis and want to get a tattoo, go see Matt at
Metamorphosis in Broad Ripple.

Ok, back to lounging with my new ink. Might be time for some ice cream too. It helps the healing process, ya know.

Peace on ya, peeps.

She...

2009-09-02T09:32:00.001-07:00

Takes my breath away.
She
Makes me laugh.
She
Wears my ring.
She
Makes me sigh.
She
Proudly takes my hand.
She
Loves me in so many ways.
I
Am the luckiest woman in the world.

Tractor baby

2009-08-31T08:43:00.001-07:00

We're heading back to Indy this morning after a great house concert last night in Cincinnati, with hosts Ruth, Marsha and Tammy. It was a wonderful crowd with good energy, and we love that!

The next door neighbors had noticed Dascheville (our dashboard village) on their way over and the woman, Lin, makes jewelry and is into other crafty things. She brought us several fun items this morning to add to Dascheville...like the baby in this photo. Isn't he cute in an adorable horror B-movie, kind of way? We decided he needed to drive the John Deere, but as you can see, he got pulled over. Not sure if it was for speeding, reckless tractoring, or under-age driving, but I'm sure the incident will require a diaper change...hmmmm...a bowel-moving violation? Lol!

We have about 10 weeks until we board the Caribbean-bound Sweet cruise and we have a lot of work to do before then. Based on our sales this weekend, we will need to make A LOT of pieces to meet the demand. It's a good problem to have, no? :-) There will be rehearsing, songwriting, bike riding, pottery finishing, time with friends, house shopping, and...I could go on, but you get the idea. Gotta run now!

Peace on ya.

Chillicothe

2009-08-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

This was the view of the sunset here in Chillicothe, Ohio as we were packing up the MuseKraft booth for the night. We had a great time playing our set at Wimfest today!!! I get inspired when I see/hear us get tighter on stage. I think we've barely scratched the surface of what could be and it's great to see glimpses of it. We head off to Cincinnati tomorrow to play a house concert and then it's back to Indiana for a spell.

And now for something completely different...Chillicothe smells like fart. I'm quoting my girl when I say that. I'm not sure I would have put it quite like that, but it's not a pleasant smell. We were told by some members of the audience that it's because there's a paper mill here. Who knew making paper would smell like fart? Thank goodness it doesn't smell like that when we write on it.

And now on to something else completely different...the mind. Our brains are complex, aren't they? Well, some are more complex than others. Some are quite simple, really...but now we're getting off the subject. My mind has taken to playing tricks on me from time-to-time. It gets a silly notion started and then takes it and runs away with it. I've gotten really good at recognizing it when it's happening, but sometimes I feel powerless to stop it. For my next trick, I will attempt to squash it before it gets away. It's a learning process. I often wonder how much of it is caused by the emotional baggage I've collected in my nearly 40 years of life, how much of it is behavior I've learned from parents or siblings, and how much of it is just the unique way my mind works. I think our minds are as unique as our physical appearances, so it stands to reason each of our brains would process things differently. No wonder we often have so many issues with communication. Many times I've witnessed two people vehemently arguing a point. I watch as they are sputter out their words through pursed lips and beet-red faces, and I realized they are really saying exactly the same thing. Their methods of communication and the words they choose are so different, they can't make the connection. It's amazing when you think about it that way. We were sitting here watching footage from Teddy Kennedy's memorial service this morning. They were showing all the people...er, uh...politicians filing in and greeting each other. It reminded me of a Hollywood Premiere party or the Red Carpet event on Oscar night. There was so much hot air and bullshit in the room, it made me wonder how anyone can find their way to their seat. "Pull up your boots, boys and girls, the shit is getting deeper." I wonder how they ever get anything accomplished.

And now for yet another completely different topic...I love my life and I love the incredible woman in this room with me. I love how she loves me and I love that we are in this together. I'm one lucky woman in this great, big, complex world. On that note, my friends, I bid you goodnight. The sun has set over smells-like-fart Chillicothe and it's time I lay my weary body down.

Peace on ya.

Breakfast at The Ritual Café

2009-08-16T10:05:00.001-07:00

Here we sit with Linda, owner of the Ritual Café in Des Moines, Iowa. We played a fun show here last night, had great food, drank good wine, and chatted with good folks. Linda put us up in her apartment last night and then brought us to her closed cafe for breakfast. We have the whole place to ourselves and it's wonderful. This place has such great energy. We're discussing relationships, health care, Ascap/BMI, music festivals, politics...a little bit of everything. It's good, stimulating, thought-provoking conversation. That's really what it's all about, isn't it?

We're off to Cedar Rapids today for a show at the Paul Engle Center and then we're back in Indy for a couple of weeks. Time for more house-hunting, a new tattoo, a visit with my Dad and Ginny, and whatever else comes up. Yay!

Peace out, peeps.

One year ago, today

2009-08-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Today, this August 11th of 2009, marks our one year anniversary. It was this day last summer that Martine flew into Burbank airport and I met her outside at the baggage claim, wearing a grin that I couldn't wipe off my face. I think I wore a trench in the concrete with my pacing, as I impatiently waited to finally be in her physical presence. She came through those doors, her beautiful blue eyes searching for me. When our eyes met, my heart skipped at least two beats, and when she smiled, I lost my breath. Then she put her arms around me. I already knew I was in love with her, but at that moment it was etched deeper into my heart.

I took her back to my tiny studio apartment so she could change for lunch. As we were heading out the door, she pulled me in and kissed me for the first time. My breath caught...again. I was sooooooooo nervous and shy, and she caught me off guard. It was exquisite. We had our first date that afternoon at The Abbey in West Hollywood. We sat in an outdoor booth, drank crisp, chilled white wine, ate yummy food, and spent a little more time talking and honing our non-verbal communication skills. My heart felt as though it would burst and it still does today, even more so. It may sound crazy, but I already knew by then that I wanted our relationship to be long-term and committed. When you know, you know...ya know?!

We've had more than our share of trials in this first year. Martine canceled part of a tour to be by my side when my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, had surgery to remove it, and ultimately died from "complications" during his recovery. She altered one of her songs so we could perform it at his memorial service, and she honored me by suggesting I sing it to him. All of this happened within the first three months of our relationship. I'm still amazed by how she stood by me and held me up through all of that. I would have done the same thing for her, without hesitation. I am grateful we were able to spend a week with him before his surgery. It still makes me angry that they were both robbed of getting to know each other. I know he would have loved her and she would have loved him. I like to think the universe had bigger and better plans for his soul...but I'll never know. I also like to think he is watching over us as we experience our adventures, and that he's smiling down on us as he sees our love grow.

On April 10th, I left my employment at Chace Productions to go on the road with my love full-time. It was also some time after midnight, technically April 11th, that I got down on one knee and asked her if she would marry me. She said yes. Our lives have been full of a flurry of activity since then. We gave up our apartment, put a lot of things in storage, filled our van with the 'stuff' we needed with us, said farewell to Los Angeles, and drove across the country. We've played festivals, coffeehouses, cafes, house concerts, we've sold t-shirts, CDs, and photos, we've made and sold a lot of MuseKraft jewelry, we've video-blogged along the way, we've built a town on the dashboard of our van (Dascheville), we've been deliriously happy and silly, we've been grumpy, we've been tired, we've been excited...a little of everything, really. One thing remains steadfast; our love and mutual respect for one another. I know I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again. I thank the universe every day for bringing Martine into my life. She started out as a friendly voice (or text message), periodically popping up on my phone and, little by little, she captured my heart. It happened naturally. I still remember the day it hit me. I was leaving my apartment to go to the laundromat and I stopped dead in my tracks in the driveway. As a smile crept across my face, I said "oh, shit...I'm in trouble." Let me tell ya, it's the best kind of trouble to have. I am so grateful...so very grateful...for her. Did I mention how grateful I am?

Happy one year anniversary, my sweetheart. I look forward to many more wonderful years with you by my side, looking at me with those sparkling blue eyes, taking my breath away with your beautiful smile, loving me with your amazing heart and soul. Thank you.

Party at Valvoline!

2009-08-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Here we sit, in line at the Valvoline oil change place. They are having a special today ONLY...a $20 oil change. They also have a DJ, and free soda and hot dogs. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen...ok, not quite. The two Valvoline employee dudes dancing to Kool & The Gang's "Celebration" is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Good for them for not caring what everyone thinks...but did I mention that it's damn funny?!

Today we're off to look at some more houses and their surrounding neighborhoods. The areas we're looking in are hit and miss; a beautiful house on one side and a boarded up crack house next door...ah, good times. I think we're both a little confused at this point as to whether we should buy a house before we leave the Midwest (not to mention leaving the country) for 5 months. There are people here who would check in on the place while we're gone, but it still would feel strange. It would be like getting a new puppy and then leaving it alone for an extended period of time. Hopefully the house won't crap on the floor while we're gone, but you get my meaning. It feels...neglectful. I would want to be here, painting beautiful colors on her walls and cooking yummy meals in her kitchen. (Stay with me...we're not talking about the puppy anymore. AND we're not getting one! At least not at this
juncture.)

So...ummmm...what was I talking about again??? Oh yeah, $20 oil changes at Valvoline...er...no, it was puppies. Noooo...HOUSES; that's it!!! We're looking closely at a house near downtown Indianapolis. It's old, big and beautiful, and it needs some work. It's priced right and we want to go take a look at the inside soon. We walked around the property today. We could have gone in, but that would have been trespassing. Why? Because it said so on the window. It was really tempting though. We both kept looking at each other with a mixture of excitement, fear, confusion, exhaustion at the thought of doing all the work needed...but we could both see the amazing potential of this house. So tempting. Could it be...the one?

Peace out, peeps.

What is it???

2009-07-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

Let's play another game of 'guess the picture'...any idea? I didn't think so...

I have a headache from staring at my computer for the last couple of hours, so right now I'm wondering why I'm still on here. I guess I decided it's time to write. I wish I had something earth-shattering to write about, but I don't. I'm in Indiana after all...lol. I've found a new (well maybe not so new) way to tease Martine. I make jokes about how much I hate being in Indiana and how I must be crazy to be looking at houses here. It was almost three years ago that I left Indiana and swore I would never come back. I lived here for 25 years and spent the whole time talking about how much I wanted to move out of here. I know many of you are asking 'what took you so long?' Who knows? I came out of high school...went to college...got a job at a good company...you know how it goes, right?

Anyway, where was I?? OH...right...new ways to tease Martine. Hee hee. So, it's no secret that we've been looking at houses in Indianapolis. It's hard not to think about buying property here. It's soooooooooooo inexpensive and Indiana really is fairly centrally located for touring. We already have some friends here, so...it makes sense, right? I guess time will tell. We have about 3 months to do some shopping around before we head down to New Orleans to catch the Sweet Cruise to the Caribbean. If we stumble upon the house of our dreams, or something that could become that, we just might take that leap. The question is to get the house first or get married first...hmmmmm...maybe we can have a house-warming wedding party.

Have you noticed I'm really into typing...ellipses...tonight?....................................

I'm also a little disjointed. Must be this damn computer and how it, combined with the fluorescent light above my head, is burning my retinas into oblivion. Time to sleep, perchance to dream of a beautiful house, a beautiful wedding, and the woman of my dreams. I have to post this now, so said woman can read it...

Peace out.

Look closely

2009-07-21T15:54:00.001-07:00

What does this look like to you? I could probably come up with 5 different answers on my own. We all see things differently, depending on our experiences. That makes for a broad spectrum of human interaction, and that can be good or bad...or somewhere in between. That too depends on your perspective.

It's fascinating to me how much my experiences can skew my view on the here and now. Sometimes it's downright disturbing. It's even more interesting when I recognize it as it's happening. That's been my experience over the past year or so. I guess that's a sign of growth? It can also be maddening to see yourself going down a path you shouldn't be going down, wanting to stop it, but feeling powerless to do so.

It's a process...and a learning curve.

Peace on ya.

Inquiring minds want to know

2009-07-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

...especially this cute, little mind. Doesn't it look like she's wondering what I think about the true meaning of life? "Tell me, D; what is the meaning of life...really?" I think most of us spend our lives trying to figure that out. We expect some mind-boggling, deep, complicated, grandiose answer, but I think it's probably more simple than we think.

For me it means doing what I want and what makes me happy, facing my fears, taking care of myself, both physically and emotionally, living my truth without fail, honoring those whom I love in every way...the list goes on. The important things are not related to money or status, and success in life is not based on those things either. Those of you who have figured that out already are ahead of the game. Life is what you make it.

I started writing this while I was in a waiting room and I was interrupted mid-thought. The moment is gone now and I have to get back to work, bike shopping, house-hunting and general merriment. I love my life and those I choose to be a part of it. I'm making it up as I go and let me tell you, I love what I've done with the place so far!!!

Peace on ya, peeps.

Birthday girl

2009-07-13T12:40:00.001-07:00

Paddling on her birthday. I'm happy to be here to celebrate with her.

Now it's back to her place for some more beer and some cuddles with the pups.

Peace on ya.

A birthday float

2009-07-13T09:36:00.001-07:00

Celebrating Bonny's with a yak float on Eagle Creek res. Now back to paddling. I'm falling behind!

New life

2009-07-04T14:39:00.001-07:00

This picture brings new life to the phrase 'hand in my pants'...this is the Bjava babe (or at least that's what they are calling her). In an effort to move her arm down, Jane Weldon pulled her hand off. I guess she decided this was the best place to put it. So, the BJ babe stood there with her hand in her pants for a time. Really not much different from a lot of the women here. She fit right in! Hee hee! Good times...

They had the live auction today and raised a ton of money for the festival. Unfortunately I think Martine and Zoe Lewis may have injuries as a result of their enthusiasm for helping the auctioneer get the highest bid possible. Pulling a kayak around the room with Lisa Koch sitting in it (dressed as a nun) can be hazardous to one's back.

Time to pass around the ibuprofen. Peace on ya.

Lily or Lilly?

2009-07-03T08:44:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure how my friend Bonny is spelling the name of her new puppy, Lilly, so I'm going with double L for now. She sent me this picture after she brought Lilly home. Soooooo cute, isn't she? Her older sister, Daisy, is so happy to have a playmate!

Just a short post about Lilly. I wanted to introduce her to the world...or at least my blog readers...all half a dozen of them. Lol!

Peace on ya.

Here we are...

2009-07-02T20:18:00.001-07:00

...all setup and sitting pretty at the National Women's Music Festival in Wisconsin. It's good to be back at this festival again. We have a booth in the marketplace for the whole weekend and it's going to be a busy one. I'm watching the 'American Idol'-like contest right now. Martine is a judge. I'm tired and weary already, as is she. We took some down time in the room earlier and part of me just wanted to stay there and cuddle.

The booth opens tomorrow morning at 8:30. Who shops that early, really? Either way we're looking forward to greeting lots of folks as they come by to see the goodies we have for sale...and BUY them!

Martine is leading the finale jam on Sunday, and I'm excited about being up there with her and all the other musicians. It should be a great time!!

It's a good life and I'm very grateful for it, and for my beautiful love. I send out my thanks (again and again) to the universe for blessing me with so many riches.

I become

2009-06-24T19:45:00.000-07:00

I become
a scared child
insecure
unsure
lacking

I become
an old me
suspicious
paranoid
paralyzed

I become
angry
melancholy
pensive
passive

I become
her
and that's not
me

time to flee
become me

That's what it's all about

2009-06-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

The picture says it all. I love my life. I love my sweetheart. I love the person I am today more than the person I was on any day before today. I am living a life most people only dream about. Sure it's hard work and some days it feels like unrewarded hard work, but it is the life I want to live...a life to love. It the kind of life that others look at and say 'wow...I'm jealous; I wish I could do that.'

I took this picture in a cemetery in Vermont called Hope. Hope...Love...both great words. About three years ago I didn't have a lot of hope in my life. I certainly didn't hope to love again. Now I have the woman of my dreams to love and she loves me. I have amazing hope for the future and what it can look like for me...and for us. What an amazing journey I've had to get from there to here. It has been full of immense pain and joyful elation. The journey that lies ahead is even more intriguing. There's so much out there to be seen and experienced. Time is precious. Life is not be wasted sitting idle and dreaming about what could be...

If you're reading this, I thank you for being part of my journey. Now get out there and live your life!!

Peace on ya.

Sitting...thinking

2009-06-14T17:52:00.001-07:00

As the subject reads, I'm sitting and thinking. Both dangerous things to be doing at the end of an exhausting weekend that didn't fully live up to our hopes. We're still at Suze's place in Waterford, Wisconsin. She has been such a gracious hostess with the mostess. It's so very comfortable here. She and her girlfriend, Kelly (Kelli?) have made us feel right at home. We were supposed to head to Annemarie and Becky's place tonight, but it seems Annemarie has a fever she can't shake. We're worried about her and still waiting to hear what the doctor says. I hope she's feeling better soon. We were looking forward to hanging out there for a couple days before heading back to Indiana.

Milwaukee Pridefest didn't quite turn out to be all we had hoped it would be, but it was good experience...I guess. It was the biggest stage I've played on. Martine certainly knows how to work a big stage like that and she does it beautifully! I still feel small and intimidated, but I suppose experience will help me with that.

Our "marketplace" booth was not located in the main marketplace and we feel a little cheated by that. We missed the main shopping crowd, but we still did ok. It's tough to work so hard and not be able to meet our own expectations...very frustrating.

Well...blah, blah, blah. If I think of something interesting to say, I'll write more later. Don't hold your breath though. For now it's back to trying to take pictures of the noisy bull frogs out here.

Peace on ya.

Sideways

2009-06-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

This is a good depiction of how my world feels right now. It has nothing to do with Sponge Bob, the stuffed Herpes virus (courtesy of my friend, Meryl) or the worry doll. Although the worry doll came in handy last week. He/she has since disappeared from this spot. I think it may have jumped...couldn't handle the burden of my worries.

Things are a little off...a little sideways. I don't quite feel like me. This persona seems to rear its ugly head when I spend time in Indianapolis. It has gotten worse since Tyler passed away, but the discombobulated feeling has been there every time I've come back here since I moved away in November 2006. I struggle with the old, unsure, insecure me and I feel like I don't know how to be...me. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe when I wake up this picture will no longer be sideways and I'll be me again. Maybe I will have won the lottery too (even though I haven't bought a ticket)...

Could happen.

Church Street

2009-06-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Walking up Church Street in downtown Burlington, Vermont, on the cusp of the annual Jazz festival...the culture in this little town is plentiful. The street reminded me a little of the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, but with a much better vibe.

I was first impressed with Vermont when they legalized civil unions and became a pioneer in the fight for gay marriage. I had never been there before, but I knew I would feel at home. Both Montpelier and Burlington were brimming with culture and friendly people. I look forward to booking some more shows in the area, so we have an excuse to go back. Who knows? Maybe we'll stay a while.

We drove 16 hours yesterday to get back to Indianapolis. It was exhausting, but it was nice to wake up here instead of another hotel. I still have mixed emotions around being in this city. In the spirit of Forrest Gump...that's all I have to say about that.

Viva Vermont!

The calm before the stage

2009-06-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is what it looked like backstage before we went on stage at the Virginia Women's Music Festival. Martine was resting and centering herself while I paced to and fro behind her.

We've been on a bit of a hiatus in Maine for the last two days, but it has come to an end. Today we head to Montpelier, Vermont for a show at the Langdon Street Café. This morning I got up and went for a jog, did some stretching, and some crunches and pushups. Now I sit on the screened-in porch at Lisa and Lisa's drinking coffee. It is so beautiful here in Maine. What a great place to spend a few days. I can hear the wind in the trees, a bird singing, Martine saying 'yea!' because she just finished her book...lol.

Just took a really long break from this blog post. I had to get another cup of coffee, shower, pack the car...oh and, drive to Vermont. We're at the hotel in Montpelier now. We're resting a bit before the show tonight. The drive through the rest of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont was amazing. What a beautiful part of the country. We went for a little walk yesterday and I took some of Tyler's ashes with me. He had never been to Maine, so I wanted to take him there. It was unceremonious at best, but it felt good to share it with him in some way. At the same time it was hard to leave the ashes behind...just as hard as when I did it in January and in March. It will never be easy.

Tomorrow we will explore Vermont a little more. I'm sure I'll you all about it.

Thanks again to Lisa and Lisa for putting us up (putting up with us) for 3 nights. Hopefully the experience didn't leave you too scarred. ;-)

Peace on ya.

A view...

2009-06-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

Looking out the window of the Frontier Café in Brunswick, Maine...a nice view, in spite of the rain. I've been meaning to post this photo since Thursday, but having 4 shows in a row took priority over the blogging.

Today we went down to Portland to eat and look at some lighthouses. The sky was a brilliant blue with whispy white clouds, the air was warm (well...warm for Maine), and the company was great. The Lisas are wonderful gals to hang out with. Portland is a cool city with beautiful old brick buildings, quaint coffeehouses and waterside restaurants. I especially enjoyed the Irish pub we visited for dessert. I had my first Guinness float. Yes, I'm talking about a pint of Guinness with a scoop of vanilla ice cream floating in it. It was really good! Who knew?

I'm looking forward to getting some busy work done tomorrow before we head off to Vermont for a couple of shows. We're also attending an Equality Maine meeting tomorrow night. These Maine folks have been working hard on gay marriage up here. It's really impressive! Just another state putting California to shame. We joked about moving here, but they get too much damned snow. My sweet love doesn't like that so much...

That's it for tonight. More soon. Thanks for reading, peeps. Peace on ya.

Love of the Founding Fathers

2009-05-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

Look at this lovely, intimate pose. These two obviously had gay marriage in mind long ago. Here I was in Washington DC, standing in the park across from the White House, looking up at this statue and chuckling. At the time we were waiting for the California Supreme Court to decide whether to overturn Proposition 8; the silly bit of legislation banning gay marriage in the state of California. Now we know they voted to uphold the proposition because Californians voted it into being. I get that reasoning, but I don't agree with the legislation in the first place, so it's a moot point.

Now I'm sitting on the couch at Lynn and Cindy's place in Richmond, Maine. I sit next to my sweetheart whom I will marry whenever this stupid country gets its shit together and stops quibbling over trivial issues related to the word 'marriage.'

And just for the record...a civil union is NOT the same thing as marriage in terms of the laws of this country. A civil union provides certain rights within the state that grants it, but once you cross the state line, most other states don't recognize it. A 'Federal' Union would be ideal because, in theory, it would afford couples the same national legal rights as a marriage. I really don't care what they call it. They can keep their silly word...

Peace out.

The ultimate in comfort

2009-05-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

What could be more relaxing than relieving yourself in the comfort of your bed. I saw this "Relax" bed pan at a yard sale today in Virginia. Now I ask you, who in their right mind would want to buy a presumably USED bed pan?! I suppose if a person had a need for a bed pan and was on a very tight budget...nah...I still can't get my head around it.

We did purchase a couple of items at this sale today, but this was not one of them. We also purchased a wash board at an antiques store in West Virginia...and I played it with my brushes during the VWMF show on Sunday. What fun!! Shades of things to come...

Good times. Peace out, peeps.

The best job in the world

2009-05-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

We're sitting here at the Virginia Women's Music Festival, selling lots of Musekraft pieces and Martine Locke t-shirts, and as soon as they see the show tomorrow evening, I'm sure we will sell a pile of CDs as well. It's a beautiful day here in Kents Store, Virginia and we're surrounded by positive energy. We've seen some old friends and made some new ones...and did I mention we're selling a bunch of stuff?!?!..

I just had to take a break to make a sale...hee hee. It's great!!! We've been working hard, but it is paying off. It's nice to have the best job in the world and be doing it with the woman I love. Ain't life grand? It really is...indeed.

The negative spiral

2009-05-22T10:52:00.001-07:00

Here I sit in Virginia, feeling safe again now that I'm away from the negative energy that seems to swoop down on me when I spend time in Indiana. It's a mixture of things: the old, the sick and the raw. The old includes me and who I was 3 years ago before I left there. It's also the old feelings of guilt, betrayal and just general icky-ness. That brings me to the sick. The patterns and cycles broken, and those still practiced by others. I struggle with the ugly feelings that well up when I'm in that environment. I have to take a look at myself and my life as it is in this moment...to remind myself that everything has changed for the better. I'm not the same person I was then; I don't even look like the same person.

The raw is what I feel when I walk into the last room my brother slept in before he went into the hospital, when I stand in the last shower he bathed in, when I drive past the hospital he died in...when I think of the doctors who couldn't save him or just didn't try hard enough.

I struggle to pull myself up out of the free-fall when I'm there. I'm working on shaking that all off of me. I'll always miss Tyler and those feelings will always be raw, but the rest can go step in fish poop. I won't carry it around anymore.

Chase sucks

2009-05-20T13:08:00.001-07:00

We went to a Chase bank in Carmel, Indiana yesterday to make some deposits into various accounts and we were told we can't yet because our accounts are Washington Mutual accounts. WAMU is now owned by Chase, but they don't have their systems integrated yet. Good for them for their preparedness. THEN we were told we could make a deposit through the ATM, but as you can see from this photo, that's not an option either. They said they should be updated in June, but I'll believe it when I see it.

Sincerely,
Annoyed in Indiana

"La vie, c'est une grande aventure vers la lumiere" - Pascal

2009-05-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

The English translation is "Life is one big journey towards the light." This subject line is a quote that was sent to me by a new friend, Mark. We met him a couple of days before we left L.A. I could tell immediately that he's a good soul. It's always nice to meet another good soul in the world. Thanks for sharing the quote, Mark.

This was one of the last photos I took at Arches National Park in Moab, Utah. I have to say, it might be my favorite. That sounds crazy because it doesn't even have an arch in it. :-)

The journey has begun and I'm in no hurry to get to the light.

Through the mountain

2009-05-14T12:01:00.001-07:00

After hiking up to Delicate Arch (Arches National Park) yesterday, we hit the road again and drove all the way to Fort Lupton, Colorado. Driving through the Rocky Mountains was amazing! I took this photo while driving through a tunnel that literally took us through one of the peaks. The temperature dropped almost 50 degrees between Moab, Utah and Georgetown, Colorado, and there we were in our shorts and t-shirts last night when we stopped for a dip in the hot springs. It was really an amazing day. We went from rocky, desert arches to snow-capped mountains; both spectacular in very different ways. Nature never ceases to amaze and inspire me.

We had a tasty dinner at a local eatery in Fort Lupton when we arrived, and then we took our tired, weary selves to the hotel. At least we had a little time to relax before sleeping.

Now we're driving through flat, BORING Nebraska. The Eastern part of Colorado was flat and boring too...who knew? Right this moment I need to stop writing because I need at least one hand to hold my nose!! Damn cattle farms...er, ummm...I mean...I love nature.

Peace out.

Sunset over Salt Lake

2009-05-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

I took this photo by pointing my BlackBerry over my left shoulder as I was barreling East on interstate 80 with the cruise control set at 80. We drove from Ukiah, California to Midvale, Utah today. It was a very, very, very long drive, but the scenery made it (mostly) interesting. We head to Arches National Park in the morning and I'm looking forward to a good hike with my fiancee and taking some beautiful photos of the amazing arch-shaped rocks.

We had a couple of great shows over the weekend in Northern California and we have three coming up this weekend in Iowa and Illinois. The more shows we do together the tighter we sound, and it's exciting!

I had a moment today...a couple of moments...when I was gazing in awe at the wide open spaces around me. There were no buildings and no power lines, just nature in all its glory. I felt small in the grand scheme of things, but I also felt very fortunate to be a witness the majestic views. I also feel very fortunate that I get to do what I'm doing. What an adventurous life we are creating.

Time to sleep now.

Whistle while you work

2009-05-06T17:25:00.001-07:00

Work, work, and more work...and a game of tennis too! We're busy sending out posters for upcoming shows, planning more shows, making more pieces, sprucing up the website and trying to keep things fun too. Gotta run though...tonight we're cooking dinner for my California parents. Two more days before we hit the road. Can't wait to get started.

The Village People

2009-05-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

...so, we've decided to create a village on the dashboard of our van. Since we made the announcement, people have been giving us little people for the village. We have two bendable rabbits (not pictured here) wearing bow ties. Thanks to Adrienne and Justine we now have all of these as well. Our village is growing and my, my, it is diverse. We love that! Stay tuned for the video blog...

Sunday musings...

2009-05-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

This is another picture from the road. I took it from the window as we were driving into the Oakland area on our way to San Francisco. The sunset was breath-taking. It's another moment in time...a lot of those to come over the next few months. We'll be driving a lot of miles and visiting a lot of places. I'm sure I'll take a lot of photos. Our first stop on the way to Iowa is Arches National Park in Utah. I can't wait to take photos there.

Some challenges have been thrown our way over the last couple of weeks. A little bit of everything, really. The universe is testing each of us in different ways. I'm learning some more things about myself and working it all out. I'm learning to trust with my whole heart, to trust what I know in my core and to dismiss the 'fluff' on the fringes. I'm learning to have faith in my ability to manifest what I want my life to look like and to not give in to the swirls of worst case scenarios. I have angry moments when I want to scream enough already, but I know it all ultimately makes me stronger and more determined. I have moments of fear and self-doubt, and I struggle with that part of me. It's old stuff, learned by example. I look back at how far I've come as an individual and I feel proud of my progress.

My love and I have ordered our engagement rings and we continue to watch the various state governments work out their issues over gay marriage. As each state gets closer to making it legal, we get closer to setting a date...or dates. I can not put into words the depth of my happiness. She is truly a blessing and I am so thankful for her presence in my life.

Poor little girl

2009-04-28T14:56:00.001-07:00

We chased this little doggie up one street and down another, and then we cornered her under this car. She won't come out, but at least now she won' get hit by a car. Just waiting for animal control...she has no tag either. Very sad and stupid of the owner. They are going to miss their dog.

2009-04-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've been sorely neglecting my blog. Things have been so busy here in Glendale as we prepare to hit the road. We had a 'kick-off, farewell, good luck, see you sometime' house concert tonight, hosted by Dale and Ginny Ward (my dad and step-mom). It was great!! Some good folks came too see us perform and wish us well. Last night we hung out in Thousand Oaks to celebrate a good friend's 39th birthday. A good time was had by all and several shots of Petron were consumed. I woke up this morning with that tequilia headache...forgot to take ibuprofen before bed. Whoops...

Tonight I am really tired, but in a good, satisfying way. It feels good to be working full-time on my new job/career/life. We're making it up as we go along, figuring out what works, what doesn't, etc. It's daunting at times, but also very excited to have the freedom to create the life we want. Tomorrow we'll hike in the morning and work on MuseKraft pieces in the afternoon. I suspect we'll cook a nice dinner at home...the home we won't have much longer. It's bittersweet, but it's going to be worth it. There's no point in paying that much rent for a home we wouldn't be in for more than a few days over the next 6 months. We'll have many places to stay that feel like home and things with us in the van that will help us create that sense of home wherever we are.

So, like I said, I've been neglecting my writing during this period of major transition. I'd like to get back to it once we get on the road. There will be new places, new faces and new experiences that I'm sure I'll want to write about. We're also planning a foray into video blogging and I'm looking forward to seeing where that takes us.

Monday we're going to see samples of a couple of engagement rings we're interested in getting. I can't wait to see them. I'm hoping they will be 'the ones' and we can place an order. As I told my love once before, I can't wait to engage her properly by putting a ring on her finger. I'm a little traditional in that sense. On that note, I will sign off...my lids are heavy and this screen is bright.

Peace out, peeps.

Hmmmmm...

2009-04-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm walking into an office building this morning and I casually glanced at this sign. It stopped me in my tracks and made me back of the doorway to take a closer look...and then a picture. I was walking into this building for healing and it turns out that I can get cancer from being in the area. Amazing thought, isn't it?

Now I'm sitting at the Optometrist waiting to get an eye exam. I'm trying to get all my appointments in before we hit the road. Life feels different already. We have a couple more weeks of the comforts of home and then we will be home-free.

One final breath

2009-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

So I came to work at Chace today...for the last time. Jeff and Tommy greeted me with their usual pleasantries. This has been a great company to work for and I feel blessed that I had the opportunity to be here, but there's more for me

...out there.

Ready to get started. Woo hoo!!!!!

Had my farewell pizza and chat with the guys. Had my margaritas with my sweetheart and my dear friend, Brooke. Let's get it started!

Perfect day...

2009-04-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

This was my view at lunch today. We went to Barney's Beanery in Burbank to celebrate!! My sweetheart and I had just notarized our domestic partnership with the state of California and mailed it off to the powers that be. As soon as those powers be recognizing the fact that they are lagging behind states like Iowa, hopefully same-sex marriage will be legalized and recognized at a national/federal level. When that happens, and I know it's just a matter of time, I will marry my sweetheart in the presence of our family and friends. Actually that may happen before the nation catches up. We will be in Australia later this year and I know we both want the family and friends over there to celebrate with us.

The domestic partnership is just a legal formality, but I still felt the romance in my heart. I can't wait to stand up in front of everyone and ceremoniously declare my love for her. I can already see part of it it in my mind and I feel proud, blessed and immensely happy. What a beautiful life we have ahead of us.

Here lizard lizard

2009-04-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

We saw this lizard on the sidewalk this afternoon as we were walking to Starbucks. I think maybe it took a wrong turn somewhere in the desert. Martine wanted to pick it up, but I told her that probably wasn't the best plan. It...he or she??? How does one tell the sex of a lizard? If it is determined the same way one determines the sex of an alligator, I think I'll pass. Just chaulk it up to one of life's little mysteries.

At one point we inadvertantly scared this little lizard and it started to run under a parked car. That's when I snapped this picture. We were both hoping it didn't run out into the street. I wasn't prepared to see lizard guts splattered all over the road and I definitely wasn't prepared to feel responsible for the lizard's demise.

I like reptiles. It was a treat to see this one so unexpectedly, but I hope it finds its way home...wherever that may be. Thank you, little lizard, for sharing a moment of your existence with me.

Road trippin and such

2009-04-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

The readers of my blog will probably see a lot more pictures like this one over the next few months. The pictures from the road will be plentiful. Hopefully most of them will be more interesting than this one. (On another topic...my love and I have gone out jogging the last two mornings. It's great to be doing it again, but I just got up to walk across the room and DAMN, my leg muscles are sore and tight. I imagine I looked a little like Frankenstein for a minute, until my leg muscles began to loosen up...)

So, back to the subject of road trippin'. I can't wait to embark on our journey of creative abundance. At times all the possibilities are overwhelming. I can't stop my brain from going in 20 different directions all the time. Sometimes it makes me appear a bit scatter-brained, which I'm not thrilled about. I'm usually very organized and level-headed. WHOA!!!! What the hell is happening to me?? I'm sure I will get a grip on it all and find my groove. Just like everything else new, it takes time and extra energy to work it all out. I can remember when I first started working at Chace Productions (Oct 1, 2007) I was overwhelmed by all the new things I had to learn. I felt the same way when I started sound school and when I started working in my last position at Sallie Mae. It was all good life experience. Working at Chace has been another amazing chapter in my life, but I close that chapter next Friday. It's time to write a new one and this is going to be the best one yet.

I feel it in the very marrow of my bones.

I can't wait to see where it leads it; where we take it.

What an amazing opportunity for creating and manifesting a life to love.

What an incredible gift to be able to do it with the woman I love.

Thank you, universe.

Hurry up and live

2009-03-31T23:27:00.000-07:00

I'm driving home on my dinner break tonight and I see the beautiful sunset pictured here. I never take pictures while I'm driving...except this once. (If there are any other pictures on this blog that appear to have been taken while I was driving, they are all mere apparitions.) I thought the resulting picture was interesting. It shows the blur of the car next to me, right before I hit it because I was trying to take a picture.....................ok, so I'm kidding about the 'hitting the car next to me' part. The blur of the car speaks to the speedy lives we live. We spend so much time rushing around being busy, we sometimes forget to live. If you spend too much of your life in this mode, you will miss the important things. You will be focused on getting through your life, not experiencing it. Isn't it about the journey and not so much the destination? (Not necessarily a reference to an Ember Swift song, but an important message none-the-less.)

The other thing I see is the red lights. Thank goodness for those, otherwise I probably would have been t-boned by traffic coming through the intersection I was crossing when I took this photo. (Again, I NEVER do that when I drive...) There's a deeper message in those red lights though, isn't there? They were telling me to STOP and take in the beautiful sunset happening in the sky; to witness the changing colors as this day went to sleep, to rest for another dawn. It's probably a good thing I didn't stop in the middle of that intersection though. Something kept me going. Maybe it was the thought of kissing my love as I walk through the door, maybe it was the yummy leftovers from last night's dinner, or maybe it was the car behind me that would have rammed into the back of the tour bus had I stopped at that moment. It was probably all of the above, but I managed to snap this shot as I hurried home. I managed to capture the moment the universe wanted me to stop and take in.

The moral of this story is...well, there are probably a few. Don't rush through your life and forget to live it. Take time to experience the journey that is yours and yours alone. Don't take pictures while driving and, whatever you do, DON'T stop in the middle of an intersection to look at the sunset. ;-)

Peace on ya, peeps.

A walk up the street

2009-03-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

As you can see from this photo, it was a glorious day here in the Glendale/Burbank area. I decided to take a walk up the street because I intended to do some form of exercise today. The hike, or run, that I originally thought I would do didn't happen. My fitness activities have been sorely lacking lately...whoops. I dropped that ball and kicked it to the curb. Actually, I think it may have gone down a storm drain. If anyone finds it please let me know.

I board a plane bound for Chicago in the morning. Some of you may think that's silly, especially considering the beautiful weather here in SoCal, but I have important things to do in the Midwest. At the top of the list is wrapping my arms around my girl again. Can hardly wait to do that. I'm excited about the upcoming shows too! Looking forward to rocking the house with Martine (a.k.a. my girl)!!!

Seriously, people; does it get any better than this? Looking forward to all the great things to come...and I know they will because they are. You feel me?

A wink; do you think?

2009-03-24T20:13:00.001-07:00

I took this picture because I thought the presentation was beautiful and I wanted to preserve it, but now I see a face winking at me. I wonder what it's thinking. Assume for a moment that this dessert is capable of cognition. Maybe it knew I was about to ingest a bazillion calories in the form of peanut butter cheesecake, raspberry sorbet and trimmings. Do you think? Maybe.

Who really knows and who really cares. The bottom line is that dessert was damn tasty and I had earned it that day in the Arizona desert. A little comfort food was definitely required...especially since the Margarita was off limits!

Although, a margarita has never winked at me.

Sunday evening

2009-03-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

Wine and conversation in front of a beautiful fire (in the fireplace), pizza and chocolate ice cream, and me and Dad with our feet up watching an old Hitchcock film (Shadow of a Doubt). Does it get any better on a Sunday evening? Well, there is one thing missing...

Only 4 more sleeps...

Ode to beer

2009-03-20T15:23:00.001-07:00

So I'm sitting here having a beer before heading to work for the night. Shhhhh...don't tell anyone. It will be our secret. Anyway, I was just thinking about how much I love beer. If I could I would marry it. Ok, not really...that's something my sweetheart says when she "loves" something. Hopefully she doesn't really mean it, or I'm going to have to get in line! But seriously...beer is my friend. It's tasty, refreshing, buzz-inducing...what more could one ask? Sure there's the excess calorie issue, but who's counting?!

I propose a toast to Friday and nice, cold beer (before work). Enjoy!!

Just the basics

2009-03-19T21:05:00.001-07:00

This was the view of the little tray between the front seats of the va...er, I mean...tour bus...on Monday as we were driving home from Arizona. Just the basics; the bare necessities, if you will. Water, iPod, phone, GPS, list, pen and, of course, Vegemite.

My last day at Chace Productions is April 10th and then we will be hitting the road hard! (not to be confused with 'rode hard') I'm excited about starting my new creative career and thrilled about the fact that I get to do it with my sweetheart. Look out world; here we come!

A Chace employee told me tonight that I'm his hero. At first I thought he was making reference to a Bete Midler song, but then I realized what he meant. He wished me luck and told me he is envious of what I'm doing. I've heard the terms 'envious' and 'jealous' a lot lately from people who wish they could do what I'm going to be doing. Whether they think they are stuck in their lives or just don't have the courage to make changes...the reasons are irrelevant, really. I say life is short and life is precious, and a person only gets one shot at living this life. (Not talking about reincarnation here; that will be another blog in another life.) Where was I? Oh yeah...I'm ready to LIVE my life! How about you?

Fill it up again

2009-03-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

We were driving to Arizona yesterday and we saw fuel for $1.87 per gallon. I thought the desert sun was going to my head for a minute, but it wasn't a mirage and it wasn't a closed station with old signs. Martine decided it was her turn to buy...uh-huh, of course she did.

We're hanging out at my aunt's house in Peoria right now, but we're heading to Gilbert in a couple of hours to play a show. I'm a little nervous because I'm just getting back into performing after a couple years of not doing it. I'll be glad when I get past that hump. I'm looking forward to it though. It's always a good time!

Tomorrow we head to Sedona to hike out and spread Tyler's ashes amongst the red rock formations. I'm dreading it a little, as I know it will be another hard day. It will be like saying goodbye to him again and I'm still not ready to do that.

Peace out.

Damn girl scouts and their cookies...

2009-03-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

So I arrive to work today and I'm heading into the South kitchen to get a cup of water. I was just minding my own business; trying to keep my body hydrated. I could sense danger as I passed through the doorway and when I saw it, I froze in mid-step. GIRL SCOUT COOKIES were in a box on the table with a lovely note, "$4 per box. Put the money in the envelope and enjoy!" I looked away at first, but it was too late. I had already spotted the GREEN box of Thin Mints. For those of you who have never had a Mint Slice, Thin Mints are the bomb! Since Mint Slice cookies are only available in Australia, I decided I would settle for some Thin Mints. (We already ate all the Mint Slice that Justine and Scott brought us from Sydney.) I took them home with me when I went home for dinner. I shared them with my love. I never knew this, but they go quite well with red wine. After we ate nearly HALF of them, she made me take the box back to work with me. Here it sits, on top of tomorrow's schedule...taunting me, tempting me. Damn those Girl Scouts and their cookies!! Grumble, grumble...crumble, crumble.

I guess I should get back to eating...er...uh, I mean...back to work.

Prayer and wonder

2009-03-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

I was sitting with my love in Starbucks this morning and I noticed this man sitting outside. There's usually a lot of local Armenian men sitting outside of this Starbucks. They play cards and smoke as they chatter to each other in their native language. I never know what they are saying, but they almost always appear to be having a good time. The man in this photo wasn't playing cards or smoking. He was holding a strand of what appeared to be prayer beads. You can sort of see them under the table. He was just sitting there working those prayer beads between his thumb and forefinger. I found myself wondering if he was working the beads out of habit or if he was really praying for something, or someone. The practice of prayer has always been a foreign concept to me. I know it is a ritual that occurs in many religions and spiritual practices, and there are countless methods that all fall under the blanket term of 'prayer.' The closest I've come to doing it is probably in the form of meditation, or when I was pleading to some higher power to save my brother's life. I wonder how often prayers are sent out in desperation versus good will, or out of want for material things.

As I watched this man, I briefly turned my attention to a little girl who was looking around Starbucks in genuine wonder, as if she was seeing everything for the first time. I wondered how different the world looks through her eyes as compared to how it looks through the old man's eyes. I also wondered how their views compare to mine. If I could look at the world with her wonder and amazement, and with his wisdom and experience, what would I see? What am I missing?

Furry burger, anyone?

2009-03-02T23:14:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm...the things one sees in the desert. I tried to offer this fella a drink of water, but he ignored me. I figured he must be hot in that black fur suit, especially with the cheeseburger on his head. Maybe the fact that I tried to talk to him indicates I didn't drink enough water on the desert hike earlier that morning. Maybe I hit more than my elbow when I fell on my ass during that aforementioned hike. Maybe this photo is an apparition, or just a stupid way to sell burgers. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a burger that's been sitting on somebody's furry head...in the hot, desert sun.

We treated ourselves to a relaxing lunch of mexican food and drink on Sunday in Palm Springs. It was a well-deserved break after another week of planning, rehearsing, loading, driving, playing, selling, mingling, and waking to the sound of the hourly chimes of the bloody clock...or Amanda's laughter. It was great to meet Amanda. What a character!! I look forward to having more opportunities to hang out with her. She's a good soul. The world needs more of them.

Back to the rehearsing and planning, giggling and breathing. I love my life.

Trippin'

2009-02-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

Mapquest is a handy site. I've been using it quite a bit tonight because it let's me add multiple stops. Although I just discovered that 10 is the maximum number of stops you can have in one trip. What if that isn't enough? (That's a rhetorical question, but feel free to answer if you have any theories.) I'm working on possible route number 3 right now. Who knew it could take over 10 hours to drive from Ukiah to Vegas?! I'll have to re-think that one...

Where am I going, you ask?

The answer is 'everywhere.' If you want me to be more specific, you're just going to have to wait and see.

Peace and happy travels, friends.

Wondering and stressing

2009-02-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

The view from the car window; the view from the road. It's always changing. Change can be scary and thrilling at the same time. We have so many new ideas and projects swirling around us, it sometimes makes us dizzy and a little woozie. I find myself grabbing on to the nearest solid object to steady myself. We both want to know what it all looks like right this second and that's just not realistic. I know certain things without hesitation. 1. I'm in love with an amazing woman and we can, together and as individuals, do anything we can imagine. 2. I am not going to know what my life will become unless I take that first step toward it. 3. I'm scared, but I know I need to face that and move forward in spite of it. 4. I know it is time for another dramatic shift in my world. This time the necessity of that shift has come about sooner than I expected, and I think that's because I'm stronger, smarter and much more in touch with what I want out of life. So, in a nutshell, I need to get going...make a move.

Peace out to you and yours, friends.

The belt

2009-02-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

Remember the other day when I was dribbling on about sanitary things? Look what I found at a friend's house in San Francisco. This little gem was sitting on her dining table and I couldn't help but laugh when I spotted it. Also sitting nearby was a box of doggie sanitary napkins "for female dogs in season"...even more funny. I can't tell you why this friend has these sanitary items in her home. I'm sure she doesn't use the belt (anymore) and she only has cats, so who knows? I also found it particularly humorous that the belt came from a company in Logansport, Indiana. That state always seems to come up in the most unusual contexts.

We're on our way home from San Francisco. We played our first show together this past weekend and we have another one in Indio this coming Saturday! Very exciting, indeed...

Sanitary

2009-02-20T14:47:00.001-08:00

Really? Who are they trying to fool? Mama didn't raise no dummy. How sanitary could it possibly be; it's full of shit?! The things one thinks of while hiking in suburbia.

That brings me to the term 'sanitary napkin'...certainly not sanitary once it has been used, and you definitely wouldn't want to use it to wipe your mouth after a meal. I wonder where that term originated. I've heard it used to come with a belt. Almost sounds like a fashion statement...

And these are the musings of this word junkie today.

Peace be to you.

Drums, drums everywhere

2009-02-19T22:13:00.000-08:00

Mmmmmmmm...drums....*slurp*....

So we went shopping at Sam Ash and Guitar Center yesterday, and this was the scene in the drum area of Guitar Center. Quite impressive, I must say. I got a sweet deal on a new 10" splash cymbal and stand, and some new wire brushes. I know the wire brushes are used primarily in Jazz drumming, but I love they way they sound on a hi-hat and snare for folk rock applications. :-) It feels good to be getting my drumming chops back in shape and I am loving playing with Martine. She rocks and writes incredible songs, so I consider it a great honor to back her up. I'll be joining her this weekend for a house concert in San Francisco and I'm really looking forward to it. This will also be our first opportunity to display our MuseKraft jewelry at a show and I know it will be a big hit!

I have my eye on a Cajon next...and a tour bus.

Inspiration

2009-02-16T02:31:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning I got up waaaay too early and went to the store to get pancake mix. My love said she would make me blueberry banana pancakes if I went out into the cold to get pancake mix. How could I refuse? That's more of a statement than a question. Given that it was Valentine's Day, I decided to get her flowers while I was out. I came across these beautiful sunflowers and I knew instantly that they were the ones for her. If I were to imagine her as a flower, this is what I would see. There I stood, in line behind 5 men buying their standard dozen roses, waiting to purchase my pancake mix and my sunflowers, and I had to smile at my good fortune in life.

More and more I see that my life is what I make of it. It can be a standard bunch of roses, no different from the next, or it can be a vibrant, beautifully unique sunflower. The choice is mine. It can be whatever I want it to be. The more I live in that realization, the less fear I feel and the more possibilities I see. Inspiration is all around me. I just need to keep my mind open to it.

More than I can say

2009-02-11T23:48:00.000-08:00

Last night when I got home from work, I found this little turtle (Pokey) on my pillow. He/she (not really sure...) was holding a card for me from my sweetheart. Since it was after midnight when I got home, it was technically our 6-month anniversary. It may seem silly to some of you that we celebrated an anniversary of months, but people do that in their first year, don't they? I think they do, especially when things are going really well. I had a card for her as well. We had some wine and chocolate, and sat up talking for another couple hours. The rest is censored. ;-)

Martine has been a blessing in my life from the first moment I met her. That was several years ago in Indianapolis when she was doing a show there with Trina Hamlin. She lights up any room she enters and everyone sees it. We just met each other in passing that time, but we were fortunate to reconnect late in 2007. We became friends via email and phone during the first part of 2008 and then, well...it turned romantic. I think it surprised us both, especially the falling in love part. Neither of us were looking for it and it just happened. That's the best kind of love, if you ask me. We had only been seeing each other for a couple of months when I found out my brother had a tumor at the base of his brain. He died less than a month later. Martine was by my side through that entire, painful journey and that means more to me than I could ever communicate to her. I thank the universe every day for her presence, her love, her laughter, her smile, her beauty (inside and out), her talent, her creative spirit, her wit, her intellect, her eyes and how they look at me, her...ahem. Anyway, you get the idea. I love her more than I can put into words.

Thank you, Universe...

More rain...and HAIL

2009-02-09T23:07:00.000-08:00

This was the view out my windshield this afternoon, as I was sitting at a red light. I would never try to take a picture while operating a motor vehicle...ahem. Lots of rain again today. I woke up this morning and smiled at the sound of it beating down on the roof. At the risk of sounding cliche', it really is music to my ears. I love rain and we NEED IT here in Southern Cal. It even hailed at one point...into my car. I opened the window to throw out a gray hair I had just yanked out of my head and a little chunk of hail hit me. (I can't believe I just disclosed that I have gray hairs. Actually, I don't...because I pull them all out!)

While we were slightly disappointed about not being able to go out for a bike ride, we had plenty to keep us busy. After doing some more polishing and packaging, we went out to ship the first pieces we sold from the jewelry facet of our joint business venture. Now, thanks to my sweetheart, that business has its very own url at www.musekraft.com! If you haven't seen it, please take a look. We are beaming with pride and truly enjoy hand-making each piece. The fact that each one is hand-stamped, dappled and polished makes each one 'organically' unique, and we love that!! Ok, I'll stop before I start to sound like an infomercial.

I've been taking a lot of photographs as well, with my "real" camera. Unlike the one above, taken with my Blackberry. I'll be picking the best ones for another facet of the MuseKraft business. Stay tuned for more...

Peace out - Di

Gloom, rain and WOO-HOO!!!

2009-02-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

It's a gloomy, rainy day here in Burbank, and everyone knows I love rain! Well, not EVERYONE, but anyone who is reading this and anyone who knows me. We always need the rain here in SoCal and we're getting a lot today. I had to go outside a little while ago and move my car because I was parked behind one of the day-shifters. I got so drenched I had to come back in and make some green tea just to warm my bones.

My sweetheart and I have been working on a project for a few weeks now and, after some trials, tribulations and hard work, we are starting to see its little wings forming. It's almost time to send one of our 'babies,' born of joint creativity, out into the world and we expect it to soar! It has been a productive couple of days. I don't want to give too much away just yet, but we have stamped, polished, dappled and shopped for supplies. My love started designing a web page while I took some photos for it. We are both giddy with excitement over seeing it all start to come together. Aside from the parking ticket I got in Studio City today (bloody parking enforcement vultures), it has been a great couple of days.

Dream it; visualize it; make it happen! That's my new credo ut intelligam.

One of those days

2009-02-04T00:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days when things start out ok...better than ok...they actually started out good, and then there's a shift in the planets' alignment or something wacky like that and everything goes to shit? It has been one of those days for me. It could have been worse. Ok, it could have been A LOT worse. I did have an incredible salad for dinner, made with love.

I even tried the hot chocolate remedy you see above, but I'm just ready to put this day to bed. Tomorrow is a new experience and part of the excitement in that is seeing what it holds for me. Sleep well, peeps.

The road less traveled

2009-02-02T23:58:00.000-08:00

To quote Robert Frost...

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

The poem is actually called "The Road Not Taken" but I would rather focus on the one less traveled by, as that is the one I intend to take. All my life I've played it safe. I have taken some risks and made some gutsy moves here and there, but mostly I've sided with caution. That was the old me. The new me is emerging and that me is seeking a new road, the one less traveled by me. I hope you're paying attention. It's going to really interesting over the next few months. No regrets. Thank you again for being part of my journey.

Sunday musings

2009-02-01T20:53:00.001-08:00

I took this on our hike Saturday morning. We went for a hike with about 25 gay men. It was a beautiful day. The hike was a lot of up hill and it went up above the Hollywood sign. We chatted with some interesting people and got some good exercise. That's the best thing about living in LA...so many things to do outdoors.

I love the ocean and the mountains, but I don't like the pollution. I need cleaner air going into my lungs. Any suggestions?

Nothing really profound to say today. I'm just sitting here watching my love play Wii tennis as I wait for our laundry to dry. It's nice to have good friends who will let you do your laundry at their house.

Peace out, people.

Evil little buggars

2009-01-30T23:34:00.000-08:00

Here's the remainder of the evil little peanut butter filled pretzels I brought to work with me tonight. In the time it took this picture to upload from my phone, I ate the rest of the little buggars. They are sooooo good, but one could eat the whole bag in a single sitting if one isn't careful. For those of you who would like to try these tasty treats, you can pick up a bag in the snack isle at Trader Joe's. They have salted (blue bag) and unsalted (red bag). The salted ones are better. No, this isn't a PSA for Trader Joe's. Believe me, I'm not doing the public a service by getting everyone I know addicted to these little mouthfuls of heaven. Maybe I'm going a little overboard with the heaven part, but if I had a beer (or two, or five) AND a bag of these...yep, I'd be sporting an ear-to-ear grin. If I had a beer and a bag of these too often, I'd be sporting a belly as well.

When you run out to pick up your bag of Trader Joe's Salted Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels, and I know you will, be sure to pace yourself. Not with the running out to get them part, but with the consuming the evil little buggars part. The bag will be empty before you know it. Consider yourself warned...and tempted.

Steps

2009-01-26T23:56:00.000-08:00

This is the view from one of the windows where I work. I can see the Burbank Worship Center across the street, but alas, that is not why I took this picture. It was the clouds that made me do it. I've had a fascination with clouds the last few days. Maybe that's because we don't see them very often here in Burbank, at least not rain clouds. We've had a fair bit of rain over the last few days and, aside from making my knee ache a little more, it has made me very thoughtful. Unlike most people, rain makes me happy. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling on the inside. Maybe that comes from spending the first twelve years of my life in Portland, Oregon. Who knows? I was listening to it fall hard last night and I had to open the balcony door just to get the full effect. The smell of the crisp, moist air and that relaxing sound of the drops hitting everything between heaven and earth as they fall. It's very Zen.

Life is a series of steps, isn't it? Really no matter how you look at it, it's about steps. Sometimes we take baby steps, sometimes we take giants steps and sometimes we step backward. It is when we stand still that we stop living. I've done all those things over the past two years. Recently I came across a quote that I now carry with me. It says, "Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." (David Lloyd George) There are times in all of our lives where we come to a chasm or a crossroads, and we must take a leap of faith or choose the road which is right for us. I'm there now and I'm ready to forge ahead.

Everywhere I look

2009-01-25T19:02:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been seeing photographs everywhere I look. I'm not talking about seeing other people's photographs. I'm talking about looking at things around me and finding potential photographs there. Here's one I took today while standing on the apartment balcony I loved the way the clouds looked with the blue of the sky. I even loved the way the setting sun was reflecting off of the satellite dish on the roof of the house next door. My mind took in the view and framed it in the context of a photograph. Often when that happens I think I should take a photo of that, but then I don't get out my camera. You'd think that would be the logical thing to do, right? My sweetheart reminded me today that it's important to act on those creative impulses when they come. She's right.

I've been in creative mode a lot more lately and it's exciting, but I'm still getting used to it. I've spent a good portion my life doing very left-brain things, so I've often neglected the part of me that works in right-brain mode, and it's a huge part of me. Last night we were working on some new merchandise ideas and I felt like I was in my element. I feel the same way when I'm taking photographs, or singing and playing music. I'm so much more passionate about living when I'm focused on the right-brain side of my persona. My soul is coming to life more and more every day.

Interestingly enough I've noticed that with the increased passion and greater opening of my soul, I'm tapping into to my emotions on a much deeper level. That can be both good and bad. Today, after a 10 mile bike ride, I was laying on the floor doing crunches and I started to cry. No, it wasn't because of the stabbing pain in my abs. I had a sudden awareness of missing my brother. I'm not sure why it hit me just then, but it was swift and powerful. I guess when all is said and done, it's a good thing to be completely in touch with my emotions. Though sometimes I want to get off that ride, if only just for a breather.

Hazy shades

2009-01-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

This was one of the views from near the top of our hike on Wednesday. It's beautiful in its own way, if you can get past the orange haze of the L.A. skyline. Every time I see that tint along the horizon, I want to move some place with cleaner air. California has more than its share of beautiful places and I would miss that if I moved away, but ultimately, I think there are better places for me to live...and breathe. Maybe I need to live in more than one place. I'm not quite done with life here in L.A. though. I feel like there is still more to do here that will foster other things yet to come.

When I look out there, I can see shades of my future life. I can see it starting to take shape and sharpen around the edges. I am beginning to see all the possibilities and all the things I would be missing if I close my eyes and turn away. In some ways I feel like my eyes are completely open for the first time in my life. That can be terrifying and invigorating at the same time, and that, in and of itself, is confusing. One thing has recently been made blatantly clear to me; life is too damn short to whittle away in chips of should'ves and could'ves. I don't want to be that old lady, sitting in my safe little life, on my safe little porch, in my safe little comfy chair, wondering what happened to my dreams. I have the brains, the tenacity and the talent to take hold of my life and mold it into whatever I envision.

I realize this post is similar to yesterday's post, and I will try to mix it up from time to time, but this is where my head is today. I have a feeling it will be musing over this topic a lot, at least until I am well on my way. Thanks for taking the journey with me. Maybe we can sit down and chat about it over a beer or two along the way. Peace on ya.

My reality

2009-01-22T13:28:00.001-08:00

I took this picture yesterday on my way to work. I was trying to capture the beautiful sunset I was seeing, but this picture came out a bit skewed. I love it because it seems to capture my world. There's beauty all around me, but there's also fear and a lot of unknowns. I sit at work in my secure little job night after night and I wonder 'what am I doing here?' Sure I made big changes in my life a couple years ago and I give myself many kudos for that, as I am a much happier person. So why am I sitting there feeling like I'm wasting my time and talents. My brain is in a state of atrophy and my soul is starving for more. The changes I have made are taking me in the right direction, but my journey is in its infancy.

The unexpected passing of my brother, Tyler, has been another catalyst for change in my life. My whole person has been forever altered, and it's my job to take the best from that and put it to work for me. I need to use it to create the best life I can.

My partner and I have been brainstorming about new creative outlets and how to turn those into money-making opportunities. It can be overwhelming at times, as we both tend to want to figure it all out now! I struggle with where I fit in the picture and how I can contribute. Most of that is fear and old self-esteem issues creeping in. When it comes right down to it, if I can overcome those obstacles, I know I can do anything I want. I am capable.

I think that's enough musing for one day, or at least for this moment. I'm a little weary and buzzing on caffeine, so my head is spinning. One final thought. I am my own worst enemy, and I need to step aside and get out of my way.

A new beginning

2009-01-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

Out with the old and in with the new. I wish I could say I was there this morning, but instead, I was taking pictures of the television with my Blackberry. Barack has succeeded in filling this nation with hope, promise and inspiration. This is truly a historic day for America. He is fresh face for a stagnant country that is in crisis. I found myself wondering how overwhelmed he must feel now that is all officially resting on his shoulders. I am also optimistic, but with a degree of caution. I love his presence and his speech writer, and I love that he is the first black president. I am grateful to bear witness to the historical significance of that last fact alone.

I must put a disclaimer on what I'm about to write, as it may cause some of you to take offense. I voted for Barack Obama because I believe in what he stands for and I believe, if anyone can bring the winds of change blowing through this country, it's probably him. However...I am weary. I am tired of listening to all the promises made to win elections that seem to be forgotten when it's all said and done. I am tired of politicians changing their opinions with the tide. I am tired of losing sight of what is true and what is really only hollow words uttered to win votes. HOPE was a big facet of Barack's campaign and I hope with all my might that he can deliver on his words. I hope he will do his best to shine a light of promise on America. After all, he is human and his best is all we can ask of him.

Best of luck to you, President Obama. I, for one, am standing behind you with hope in my heart.